What Role Did You Play In Your Family of Origin? (Re-release)
Today’s episode is the first of a new solo episode series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles. Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messaging about love, connection, and worthiness as a result.
To start off this series, we’re revisiting this in-depth solo episode, in which Dr. Alexandra explains the six common roles we might have played in our original family systems. Through understanding our past, we can see how these roles continue to show up in our relationships today and use that knowledge as a powerful Relational Self-Awareness tool. In December, we’ll begin releasing role-specific episodes for each of the six roles, starting with “The Perfect One,” so be sure to catch that conversation next month.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I contributed to with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to “Little You” & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.
Finding The "Self": Exploring Family Systems Therapy With Dr. Richard C. Schwartz
Have you ever felt like different parts of yourself were competing for attention and power? Maybe you have aspects of your personality that you’re proud of, and others that you’d rather keep hidden from the world—the ones that tend to rear their heads in your not-so-shining moments. According to Internal Family Systems Therapy, a framework developed by today’s guest, Dr. Richard Schwartz, we are all made up of sub-personalities or “parts.” IFS posits that by investigating and understanding where each of those parts come from and how they are dictating our current behavior, we can better understand our unique mental world and determine how to make change to support our healing and improve our relationships. Dr. Alexandra talks with Dr. Dick about how IFS has the potential to help individuals understand themselves, strengthen their romantic relationships, or even navigate the dating world. They also explore a question from a listener in Toronto who wants to feel more deeply understood in conversations with her boyfriend.
IFS is a theoretical framework that has helped many folks, but as always, Dr. Alexandra encourages you to see what resonates with you in this conversation and what might be helpful to bring into your own processes of self-discovery and healing, and to your relationships.
Relevant Links:
- IFS Institute
- Intimacy From The Inside Out
- Check out Dick's book: No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
- Check out Dick's book: You Are the One You've Been Waiting for: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
- Story on IFS from NPR’s Morning Edition
- Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every Day
- Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
- Submit a Listener Question
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.
The Parent-Child Bond: Removing Blame & Accessing Joy with Dafna Lender
Family therapy expert Dafna Lender and Dr. Alexandra explore the complexities of the parent-child relationship. With 25 years of experience, Dafna has a deep understanding of how a child’s difficult behaviors and a parent’s reactivity can clash and land a family into a therapist’s office. Dafna explains how to disrupt this cycle by removing blame, exploring the parent’s attachment history, and bringing a sense of joy and playfulness back into the relationship.
Relevant links:
- Integrative Attachment Family Therapy: A Clinical Guide to Heal and Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship by Dafna Lender
- Engage further with Dafna’s work online
- Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every Day
- Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
- Submit a Listener Question
Get 31% off Dr. Alexandra’s two e-courses and workbook! Visit http://courses.dralexandrasolomon.com and enter code BDAY31 at checkout from now until August 12th.
Join Dr. Alexandra's five-day retreat with the Modern Elder Academy — Get 10% off with code 'GF10'
Try Kion Aminos risk-free for 60-days with a money-back guarantee. Get 20% off at https://www.getkion.com/OSLP with the discount code OSLP.
Midlife Transitions: How to Lean in Rather than Resist the ‘Messy Middle’ with Chip Conley
When it comes to life stages, “midlife” often gets the short end of the stick. We speak about adolescence and retirement as vistas rich with opportunity and possibility while we joke about midlife and its related crises. However, when we adopt an affectionate perspective, opportunity and joy prove to be just as possible in this “messy middle” stage.
Many transitions take place over the decades following age 50. These milestones are no less impactful than those we celebrate, such as graduation and marriage, and yet most of us lack rituals to mark these evolutions and help us build communities of support in this time of great potential.
Chip Conley was a disruptive force in the hospitality industry for decades. In 2018, he combined his experiences mentoring at Airbnb with his own midlife transition to launch the Modern Elder Academy (MEA). Today, the world's first “midlife wisdom school” offers luxurious, personal growth retreats in Baja California and New Mexico. Chip is also the author of seven books, including his most recent, Learning to Love Midlife.
In December 2024, Dr. Alexandra will be at the Santa Fe ranch location of MEA leading a 5-day retreat for couples centered on healing the past, deepening connection, and creating a relational vision for the future. You can attend with your partner or on your own. To learn more about the retreat, Loving You Without Losing Me: A Retreat for Couples, visit the website and schedule a free consultation call with the MEA admissions team.
Whether you are approaching midlife, are in the midst of it, or if midlife is in your rearview mirror, Chip’s affectionate and curious approach to this often overlooked and undervalued stage will illuminate new outlooks and possibilities for how we lean into life’s transitions.
Relevant Links:
- Read Chip’s latest book Learning to Love Midlife
- Learn more about Chip and get his free Anatomy of a Transition resource on his website
- Learn more about Dr. Alexandra’s December 2024 retreat at MEA
- Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
- Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Ditch the “Shoulds”: How Feminism Improves Your Love Life with Kara Loewentheil
Research shows that gender socialization plays out most rigidly in our intimate relationships. How do we learn to separate our thoughts and actions from our socialization? In this episode, podcaster, author, and feminist coach Kara Loewentheil joins Dr. Alexandra for an expansive conversation that confronts the ways in which patriarchy influences our thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
Relevant links:
Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head--And How to Get It Out a New York Times Bestseller by Kara Loewentheil
Listen to the Unf*ck Your Brain Podcast
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Join Dr. Alexandra's five-day retreat with the Modern Elder Academy — Get 10% off with code 'GF10'
Try Kion Aminos risk-free for 60-days with a money-back guarantee. Get 20% off at https://www.getkion.com/OSLP with the discount code OSLP.
Mental Health and Relationships in Post-Roe America with Shefali Luthra and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
June 24th marks the two-year anniversary of The Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Because Reimagining Love is a show devoted to relationships and helping people cultivate relationships founded in empowerment and care, Dr. Alexandra wanted to shine a light on the pervasive and pernicious impacts of the Supreme Court’s decision on individuals, couples, and families in the United States. In fact, abortion has become virtually unavailable or significantly restricted in 21 states leaving pregnant people and their loved ones across the country facing the fears and roadblocks in their attempts to access reproductive healthcare.
In this episode Dr. Alexandra facilitates a roundtable discussion with two strong voices in the field who help us better understand the mental health and the relational health effects of living in Post-Roe America– and how restriction of access to abortion exacerbates economic and racial inequality.
Shefali Luthra is a health policy journalist who recently released her first book, Undue Burden: Life and Death Decisions in Post-Roe America, and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin is a perinatal psychiatrist and the author of Real Self Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness.
Shefali and Dr. Pooja’s powerful insights will resonate with listeners who have experienced these impacts firsthand as well as those watching the landscape unfold from afar.
Relevant Links:
Read Undue Burden: Life and Death Decisions in Post-Roe America by Shefali Luthra
Read Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included) by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
The UCSF Turnaway Study
Connect with Shefali on X or through email
Learn more about Dr. Pooja’s work, subscribe to her newsletter, and connect with her on Instagram
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Join Dr. Alexandra's five-day retreat with the Modern Elder Academy — Get 10% off with code 'GF10'
Try Kion Aminos risk-free for 60-days with a money-back guarantee. Get 20% off https://www.getkion.com/OLSP - discount code is OLSP.
Modern Masculinity: From Toxic to Communicative with Dr. Ish Major
Dr. Ish Major joins Reimagining Love for a frank and honest conversation about modern masculinity and the communication gap across genders. Together, they discuss what is often missing from communication in relationships, what masculinity means in our modern era, and how truth is the antidote to toxic masculinity.
Relevant links:
Connect with Dr. Ish online and on Instagram
Watch Counsel Culture with Nick Cannon
Reimagining Love Episode: “Come Together: Cultivating Sexual Connection in Long-term Relationships with Emily Nagoski”
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Rewrite Your Story: Healing from Trauma with Dr. Frank Anderson
Dr. Frank Anderson is a world-renowned trauma expert and author who has dedicated his career to teaching therapists how to help patients work through trauma. Now, in his immensely personal memoir, To Be Loved, Dr. Frank shares his own story of overcoming trauma. In this conversation, Dr. Frank weaves his clinical knowledge with personal experiences to shine a light on how when we unburden ourselves from the past, we can stop replicating old stories and access our truest selves.
Relevant links:
To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation by Dr. Frank Anderson
Connect with Dr. Anderson online and on Instagram
Learn more about the Trauma Institute and Trauma-Informed Media.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Join Dr. Alexandra's five-day retreat with the MEA - Get 10% off with code 'GF10'
Strategies for a Thriving Long-Distance Relationship (Re-Release)
Long-distance relationships are no walk in the park, but that doesn't mean they can't thrive. In this re-release of a foundational episode, Dr. Alexandra tackles this topic, sharing tools and tips for couples. If you and your partner live in different time zones, are pros at FaceTime dates, and are constantly asking, "when's our next visit?", this episode is for you.
Relevant links:
Access the Long-Distance Relationships Worksheet Here
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Take Dr. Alexandra's "Relationship Superpower" Quiz
Join Dr. Alexandra's five-day retreat with the Modern Elder Academy - Get 10% off with code 'GF10'
End or Mend: Managing Difficult Family Relationships with Nedra Tawwab
[Content warning: this episode contains a brief mention of suicide. If you prefer to not listen to this moment, please skip this week's listener question segment at the end of the episode]
Nedra Tawwab returns to Reimagining Love to discuss what can be our most challenging and vulnerable relationships: difficult relationships with our Families of Origin. Nedra offers empowering tools and relational strategies to help us adapt and redefine these relationships; tools to help us acknowledge when our family members have changed and accept when they cannot. Together, Nedra and Dr. Alexandra explore how this theme connects with a wide variety of topics: the tricky dynamics of in-laws, differing perspectives around the past, and how to navigate painful decisions around estrangement.
Relevant links:
Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Drama Free Workbook: Practical Exercises for Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Listen to Nedra's podcast, You Need to Hear This
Connect with Nedra online and on Instagram
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
"I Need Connection & My Partner Needs Space. Now What?"
In this solo episode, Dr. Alexandra examines a central tension in all relationships: the need for space versus togetherness. If you often find yourself wanting more connection, are you needy? If you typically need more space, are you avoidant? Here, Dr. Alexandra encourages us to ditch the labels and pathology, and instead acknowledge that both space and connection are fundamental needs in an intimate relationship. To help you navigate this, Dr. Alexandra shines a light on the meaning we assign to our orientations around space and shares strategies to help you and your partner create agreements that maximize connection and minimize resentment.
Relevant links:
Access this episode's companion worksheet here
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Reimagining Love Episode: "Let's Talk About 'Sleep Divorces'"
Hermeneutic Labor: The Gendered Burden of Interpretation in Intimate Relationships between Women and Men by Ellie Anderson
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Open Marriage: Lessons from Non-Monogamy & Motherhood with Molly Roden Winter
Author Molly Roden Winter joins Reimagining Love to share her story of opening up her marriage as a happily married mother and the hard-earned and profound truths she learned along the way. For Molly, her journey of non-monogamy opened her up to more: more choice and self-discovery, and feeling more than her roles as a mother and wife.
Relevant links:
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter
New York Magazine's "A Practical Guide to Modern Polyamory"
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
The Other Significant Others: How to Reimagine Your Friendships with Rhaina Cohen
What would change if, instead of prioritizing romantic relationships, we made friendships the center of our lives? NPR's Rhaina Cohen joins Reimagining Love to explore the possibilities embedded within that question. In her new book, Rhaina invites us into the worlds of people who've organized their lives around deep friendship and, in doing so, challenge our ideas and assumptions about which relationships should be at the heart of a fulfilling life.
Relevant links:
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
Listen to "Dear Friend," the song inspired by Rhaina's book
"Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality" from the Journal of Marriage and Family
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Liberated Love: From Codependency to Relational Safety with Mark Groves & Kylie McBeath
Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath join Reimagining Love to share the story of their relationship—the story that inspired their new book, Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire. In this conversation, they get vulnerable about how they moved from breaking up to fostering breakthroughs; a journey they nurtured through what they call 'a sacred pause.' In the sacred pause, they identified the patterns that blocked their ability to find authentic love so that they could build a new relationship rooted in safety and interdependence.
Relevant links:
Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire by Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath
After purchasing Liberated Love, access the PDF Workbook and free Meditation
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
When You're the Affair Partner
Throughout her decades as a therapist, Dr. Alexandra has helped many people navigate being "the affair partner." Participating in infidelity creates an intoxicating yet profoundly confusing blend of emotions and experiences. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra examines the psychology of this role and offers a compassionate look into the surrounding context: the thrills, secret benefits, sources of shame, and potential origin stories embedded within this controversial role.
Relevant links:
"Taking Sexy Back" by Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Facebook Group: Esther Perel Discussion Group
Reimagining Love episode: "Guidance for the Newly Single"
Order Dr. Alexandra’s new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
When Shame Blocks Repair
In this solo episode, Dr. Alexandra confronts a common roadblock to repair: shame. Often, in the wake of relational harm, feelings of shame secretly run the show, causing you to get combative and defensive or freeze, flee, or fawn in essential moments. Dr. Alexandra provides strategies for moving from shame into action—so that you can make yourself available for repair—and gives tangible tips for how to make a heartfelt and effective apology.
Relevant links:
Access this episode's companion worksheet here
Reimagining Love episode: "Why Can't I Get Over It?"
Dr. Alexandra's e-course: Can I Trust You Again? Rebuilding after Betrayal or Deceit
Brené Brown's TED Talk: Listening to Shame
Building Self-Esteem: How Learning from Shame Helps Us to Grow by Joseph Burgo
Order Dr. Alexandra’s new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Conscious Uncoupling: Divorce as an Ending, Not a Failure with Katherine Woodward Thomas
Ten years after "conscious uncoupling" first entered the public lexicon, Katherine Woodward Thomas joins Reimagining Love to discuss her powerful rebrand of what's possible after a breakup or divorce. Through sharing her story and dissecting the cultural myths that cause us to view divorce as a failure, Katherine encourages us to bring a sense of generosity and intentionality to the process so that we can transform our relationships with our former partner, ourselves, and our futures.
Relevant links:
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas
Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life (Revised) by Katherine Woodward Thomas
Connect with Katherine online and on Instagram
Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage by Stephanie Coontz
The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons
Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
From Burnout to Balanced: Bringing Self-Compassion to Our Careers with Esther Boykin
Esther Boykin joins Dr. Alexandra for an expansive conversation around the intersection of mental health and our careers. Esther highlights the difference between self-care and self-compassion, and points us towards using self-compassion as an essential tool for improving both our personal and work lives. When we bring self-compassion to our careers, we prevent burnout by opening up a deeper connection to our common humanity. Together, Esther and Dr. Alexandra then respond to a listener who thinks her relationship is being held back by her partner's ambition.
Relevant links:
Connect with Esther online and on Instagram
Learn more about Therapy Is Not A Dirty Word and the Compassion Collective
Who Not How: The Formula to Achieve Bigger Goals Through Accelerating Teamworkby Dan Sullivan
Reimagining Love episode: "Talking about the Future: Navigating a Pace Discrepancy"
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Secure Attachments: The Felt Sense of Love with Julie Menanno
What does it feel like to be in a securely attached relationship? Renowned relationship expert and therapist Julie Menanno joins Reimagining Love to illuminate what we can learn from examining secure attachments. Together with Dr. Alexandra, Julie help anxious and avoidant partners understand each other by guiding us through how different attachment styles show up in tender moments. Ultimately, Julie reminds us that the purpose of attachment work is to help us heal from our past unmet needs so that we can form secure attachments today.
Relevant links:
Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno
Connect with Julie online and on Instagram
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
"Why Can't I Get Over It?"
Deceit, infidelity, and betrayal profoundly shake our inner worlds. If you're struggling to heal from relational harm, you may be endlessly ruminating on the past and wondering why you can't just let it go. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra breaks down the process of forgiveness and provides seven reasons why you can’t get over it.
Relevant links:
Access this episode's companion worksheet here
Dr. Alexandra's e-course: Can I Trust You Again? Rebuilding after Betrayal or Deceit
Reimagining Love episode: "Tending to "Little You" & Exploring Your Family of Origin"
Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want by Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter