Revisit & Reflect: Drs. John & Julie Gottman on Protecting Connection in Your Relationship
Welcome to R&R: Revisit & Reflect, a new episode format here on the podcast. We’re living in a time of information abundance (sometimes information overload) and lots of that information is about mental health and relational health! But there’s a difference between consuming content and integrating it. When we consume, the information might just pass through us, whereas when we integrate, the information weaves its way into our unique story or situation, creating insight and the potential for a shift in mindset, in emotion, in belief, and in behavior.
With these R&R episodes, you’ll reflect and journal with Dr. Alexandra to integrate core lessons from the podcast, continuing with today’s conversation from the archive with the esteemed Drs. John & Julie Gottman. The Gottmans share some of the most groundbreaking findings to ever come out of their Love Lab and discuss with Dr. Alexandra the relationship principle of “Small Things Often.” So, get out your favorite pen and journal and join in this summer reflection.
You’ll come away from this episode with:
- A deeper understanding of how 'small things often' can create lasting bonds in your intimate partnerships.
- An opportunity to identify and appreciate the positive moments that contribute to your relationship's health.
- A framework for self-reflection with actionable journaling prompts to enhance intimacy.
Journaling Prompts:
- What messages did you receive growing up, either from your family, your culture, or from media you consumed, about HOW to express love? In what ways were those messages limited, and how might you update them based on what you heard in this clip?
- What keeps you from making small gestures of love towards your partner / toward your past partner? What keeps you from ACCEPTING bids for connection from partners? Is it discomfort? If so, what specifically feels uncomfortable? Is it fear? If so, what specifically is the fear? Is it a feeling of unworthiness? If so, what do you want to remember about who you are?
- In the clip, the Gottmans remind us that our PERCEPTION of our partner can play a huge role in the dynamic, and that we might actually be missing positive moments and bids for connection that are already happening. Write down a commitment you want to make this week to help you to keep an eye out for the positive.
- What’s something you find beautiful about your partner, either inside or out? What would it be like to share this with them, without any agenda, but just because it might light them up?
“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh
Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra
Reimagining Love Episode, How to Love Well: The Little Things that Change Everything with Drs. John & Julie Gottman
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Mailbag Episode! Trouble in Paradise
Welcome to another summer mailbag episode, in which Dr. Alexandra digs into recent listener questions so that we can all grow, together. Two of the questions today follow a general shape of a question that comes across Dr. Alexandra’s desk quite often. Something like: “Everything’s perfect in my relationship…BUT….” There’s some challenge, incompatibility, or roadblock that feels outside of our control—or, something within *US* that’s holding us back from taking things to the next level, even though everything feels so right—and we can’t get unstuck. Dr. Alexandra speaks to two listeners in this spot, as well as answering a unique question from a listener who is wanting to reclaim a special place for herself and her daughter, a place that holds both “pain and potential,” in her words, in the wake of the end of her marriage. Listen to hear Dr. Alexandra’s tips on how she can reclaim her paradise.
“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh
Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra
Take the Family of Origin Roles QUIZ
Previous summer mailbag episodes: Mailbag 1, Mailbag 2
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Prioritizing Your Pleasure: How to Rediscover Your Spark with Shan Boodram
In this episode, Dr. Alexandra is joined by Shan Boodram, a sexuality educator and certified sexologist, known for her work on Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle, The Marriage Pact on The Roku Channel, and Ex-Rated on Peacock, which she co-hosted with Andy Cohen, as well as her MasterClass, “The Art of Seduction,” which leads folks through the fundamentals of flirting, intimacy, and how to foster deep physical and emotional connections. Shan’s approach to sex education is welcoming and approachable, and she has a reverence for this topic that is oh-so central to our humanity and aliveness. From re-defining the way we draw wisdom from the ancient Kama Sutra text, to even designing jewelry that encourages folks to reclaim their pleasure in the bedroom, Shan & this conversation will inspire you to see your and your partner’s sexuality with fresh eyes. And if you’re looking for practical advice on the art of seduction, you’ll get that in this episode, too (enter Shan’s iconic “sexy eye triangle” tip). There’s so much to glean from this episode, whether you’re looking to spice things up with your partner in the bedroom, move past sexual shame, or just see sex in a new way.
You’ll come away from this episode with:
- A refreshed perspective on the “intimate self” and a reminder of how central our sexuality is to our humanity
- Practical tips for how to use flirting and seduction to connect with others, and even more importantly, with yourself
- New ideas for how to bring novelty, improved communication, and playfulness into the bedroom
“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh
Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra
“The Art of Seduction on MasterClass: masterclass.com/shan
Käma, Shan's jewelry collaboration with Surmeyi
Shan’s website
LOVERS by shan, Shan’s podcast
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Revisit & Reflect: Esther Perel on Reigniting The Spark in Your Relationship
Welcome to R&R: Revisit & Reflect, a new episode format here on the podcast. We’re living in a time of information abundance (sometimes information overload) and lots of that information is about mental health and relational health! But there’s a difference between consuming content and integrating it. When we consume, the information might just pass through us, whereas when we integrate, the information weaves its way into our unique story or situation, creating insight and the potential for a shift in mindset, in emotion, in belief, and in behavior. With these R&R episodes, you’ll reflect and journal with Dr. Alexandra to integrate core lessons from the podcast, starting with today’s conversation from the archive with the inimitable relationship expert Esther Perel. They explore relational ambivalence and how to reignite the spark inside your relationship, and within yourself, inspired by a listener’s question. So, get out your favorite pen and journal and join in this summer reflection.
You’ll come away from this episode with:
- A deeper understanding of the importance of rituals in maintaining connection amidst life's challenges
- A new perspective on the impact of external circumstances on anxiety in your relationships.
- The ability to recognize and respond to your partner's bids for connection.
- A framework for self-reflection with actionable journaling prompts to enhance intimacy.
Journaling Prompts:
- How do the macro issues of the world shape your love life today? To what degree are you able to give yourself permission for play and pleasure, even as the world feels so hard? What allows you to do that?
- In the clip, Esther reminds us that if you don’t know how to turn yourself on, there’s nothing your partner can do to turn you on. How are you finding ways to connect to your own aliveness? What are some things you can do this week, just for you, that could reinvigorate your internal spark? This could include engaging with nature, art, food, movement, or play.
- In this clip, Esther and Dr. Alexandra talk about how for a couple to create an experience together, one partner is the initiator and one is the responder. These roles aren’t fixed, but which role do you do you tend to find yourself in more? What do you like about being in each position, and what’s hard about each of them?
“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh
Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Mailbag Episode! Blended Families, LDRs, Talking About the Future
The second mailbag episode of the summer is here! Hear Dr. Alexandra’s advice for three listeners from around the world, with three relationship dilemmas: the first is a fellow “Alexandra” who lives in England and is struggling with her blended family. Next, we hear from a listener in Hawaii who is trying to make a difficult decision about their relationship. Finally, Dr. Alexandra answers a question from a listener in the UK who is ready to have a baby…but her boyfriend is not. Listen to hear Dr. Alexandra’s guidance and submit your own question by following the link below.
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Mailbag Episode! Part One
Throughout the summer, Dr. Alexandra will be answering listener questions through Mailbag Episodes. Today’s questions include a query from a listener in Los Angeles who is struggling with her feelings about a choice the guy she’s seeing has made, and isn’t sure how to proceed after a tricky conversation. Next, you’ll hear from Marina in London, who wants some extra support in the aftermath of infidelity. She’s curious about post-traumatic growth and what might be possible for her. Dr. Alexandra wraps things up with a question from a listener in New York, whose boyfriend of over a decade is ambivalent about the relationship and blowing hot and cold. Should she cut loose or stick it out until he makes up his mind? Listen to hear Dr. Alexandra’s takes on all of these relationship situations.
If you want to submit your own question, click the link below. You may just get yours answered on an upcoming mailbag episode this summer!
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
How to Know When It’s Right: The Conversations that Unlock Connection with Lindsay Jill Roth
Many of us have cultivated confidence in our careers, our family life, and our friendships, but when it comes to dating, we feel lost at sea. This was the case for acclaimed TV and live events producer Lindsay Jill Roth, who found herself asking what she knew were the wrong questions in dating (What does he want me to say? How can I make this person like me?). So, she set out to create a tool for herself that she’s now sharing with the world. In her new book, Romances & Practicalities, Lindsay offers a roadmap for how to understand your wants and needs better and truly communicate and connect with the person you’re dating, through 250 research-backed questions spread across twelve categories—from money to children to chores to sex. These questions help folks develop deeper intimacy and open up about what they’re looking for in an intimate partnership. In her conversation with Dr. Alexandra, you’ll hear about Lindsay’s budding romance with her now husband, the couples she spoke with who have used this system, and the wisdom and practical guidance she’s garnered from the clinical experts she interviewed for the book—including Dr. Alexandra! Lindsay urges listeners to view expansive and thoughtful dialog as something sexy, not just vital, as they get to know someone that they think might be their person. Lindsay and Dr. Alexandra also address a thoughtful listener question at the end of the episode, about dating across socio-economic class.
Relevant links:
Romances & Practicalities: A Love Story (Maybe Yours!) in 250 Questions by Lindsay Jill Roth
Lindsay’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
The Search for Green Flags: Ditch the Dating Myths, Not the Apps with Damona Hoffman
Celebrity dating coach Damona Hoffman stops by Reimagining Love to deliver sage and practical advice for daters. With decades of experience in online dating, Damona gives Dr. Alexandra an update on the current state of the apps and explains why so many daters are feeling burnt out. Instead of looking for red flags and buying into tired dating myths, Damona believes the key is getting specific about what we want and who we are, so that we can use the apps as a tool instead of a toy.
Relevant links:
F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story by Damona Hoffman
Listen to Dates & Mates with Damona Hoffman
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
"I Need Connection & My Partner Needs Space. Now What?"
In this solo episode, Dr. Alexandra examines a central tension in all relationships: the need for space versus togetherness. If you often find yourself wanting more connection, are you needy? If you typically need more space, are you avoidant? Here, Dr. Alexandra encourages us to ditch the labels and pathology, and instead acknowledge that both space and connection are fundamental needs in an intimate relationship. To help you navigate this, Dr. Alexandra shines a light on the meaning we assign to our orientations around space and shares strategies to help you and your partner create agreements that maximize connection and minimize resentment.
Relevant links:
Access this episode's companion worksheet here
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Reimagining Love Episode: "Let's Talk About 'Sleep Divorces'"
Hermeneutic Labor: The Gendered Burden of Interpretation in Intimate Relationships between Women and Men by Ellie Anderson
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Liberated Love: From Codependency to Relational Safety with Mark Groves & Kylie McBeath
Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath join Reimagining Love to share the story of their relationship—the story that inspired their new book, Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire. In this conversation, they get vulnerable about how they moved from breaking up to fostering breakthroughs; a journey they nurtured through what they call 'a sacred pause.' In the sacred pause, they identified the patterns that blocked their ability to find authentic love so that they could build a new relationship rooted in safety and interdependence.
Relevant links:
Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire by Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath
After purchasing Liberated Love, access the PDF Workbook and free Meditation
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
When You're the Affair Partner
Throughout her decades as a therapist, Dr. Alexandra has helped many people navigate being "the affair partner." Participating in infidelity creates an intoxicating yet profoundly confusing blend of emotions and experiences. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra examines the psychology of this role and offers a compassionate look into the surrounding context: the thrills, secret benefits, sources of shame, and potential origin stories embedded within this controversial role.
Relevant links:
"Taking Sexy Back" by Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Facebook Group: Esther Perel Discussion Group
Reimagining Love episode: "Guidance for the Newly Single"
Order Dr. Alexandra’s new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Come Together: Cultivating Sexual Connection in Long-term Relationships with Dr. Emily Nagoski
Emily Nagoski joins Reimagining Love for a vulnerable and expansive conversation about nurturing lasting sexual connections in long-term partnerships. As an award-winning sex educator and author, Emily combines groundbreaking research, sex education, and stress education to expand our ideas about women's sexuality. In her new book, Come Together, Emily explores how long-term couples maintain sexual connection over time. Together, Emily and Dr. Alexandra uncover the importance of moving away from the "shoulds" in our sex lives and towards discovering more confidence and joy with our partners.
Relevant links:
Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski
Dates for Emily's upcoming book tour
Learn more about Emily's work online and on Instagram
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
The Power of Play: Embodying Sex Positivity with Nicoletta Heidegger
Therapist and sexologist Nicoletta Heidegger joins Reimagining Love for an expansive conversation about all things sexuality. Nicoletta's approach shows the power of sex-positivity — encouraging curiosity about how everyone can learn to have better sex and, in doing so, build deeper connections to our senses, our relationships, and ourselves.
Learn more about Nicoletta's work:
https://www.nicolettavheidegger.com/
Nicoletta's Sex and Scholars Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/sluts-and-scholars/id1223781930
Tickets for Afternoon Delight: A Live Podcast Experience on Feb. 10th, 2024:
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/afternoon-delight-a-live-podcast-experience-tickets-767718646137
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day:
https://bookshop.org/p/books/love-every-day-365-relational-self-awareness-practices-to-help-your-relationship-heal-grow-and-thrive-alexandra-solomon/19970421?ean=9781683736530
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter:
https://dralexandrasolomon.com/subscribe/
Submit your question to Dr. Alexandra:
100th Episode: Answering Your Questions!
Today's show is the 100th episode of Reimagining Love! Dr. Solomon celebrates this milestone by answering several great listener questions: one from a woman in her 20s who is grappling with stability vs adventure in her love life; one about ambition differences between two partners; and one from a man desiring more affection from his partner. Take a listen to hear from Dr. Solomon on all of these great questions!
Order Dr. Solomon's new book, Love Every Day:
Register for Dr. Solomon's E-Courses:
https://courses.dralexandrasolomon.com/
Subscribe to Dr. Solomon’s Newsletter:
https://dralexandrasolomon.com/subscribe/
Submit your question to Dr. Solomon:
https://form.jotform.com/21229599593927
Take Dr. Solomon's "Relationship Superpower" Quiz: