Carrying the Mental Load: How Unequal Cognitive Labor Can Affect Your Relationship with Allison Daminger
Dr. Alexandra nerds-out with Dr. Allison Daminger about the division of work in couples, particularly in an often overlooked domain: the mental space. In her research, Daminger found that even when couples approximate parity around “time use”, there are still huge gaps in what she calls “mind use” or cognitive labor… even for modern couples who believe in what she calls the Myth of Mutuality, an equal partnership where both partners evenly share the load.
You will hear about the gendered disparities in cognitive labor in the home in a gentle, blame-free way. When it comes to gender roles in family life, we tend to overestimate the effects of individual differences and underestimate the effects of bigger social forces. So if the load is feeling unequal in your partnership, Daminger wants you to move away from guilt and blame and toward strategies that move you closer to your ideals.
In this episode, you’ll hear about:
What constitutes cognitive labor and why women tend to carry the lion’s share.
Experiences from couples in Allison’s research who successfully created shared systems for cognitive labor, and the approaches and conditions that made that possible.
The narratives couples use to justify how they divide labor, especially when trying to avoid recreating gendered patterns (while often recreating them anyway).
How to spot cognitive labor disparities in your own home and use that awareness to divide responsibilities more fairly based on skill rather than “personality” (i.e., gendered expectations).
The pressure that broader societal structures place on individual households, and how reframing the issue can support calls for systemic change.
How to start small and make meaningful shifts toward parity in cognitive labor.
Resources worth mentioning from the episode:
Dr. Allison Daminger’s book, What’s On Her Mind - The Mental Workload of Family Life: https://bookshop.org/p/books/what-s-on-her-mind-the-mental-workload-of-family-life-allison-daminger/585e2aa7eac0a0ea
Learn more about Dr. Allison Daminger and sign up for her newsletter The Daminger Dispatch: https://www.allisondaminger.com/
Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
Ask a question! Submit your relationship challenge: https://form.jotform.com/212295995939274
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day: https://bookshop.org/p/books/love-every-day-365-relational-self-awareness-practices-to-help-your-relationship-heal-grow-and-thrive-alexandra-solomon/19970421?ean=9781683736530
Cultivate connection by subscribing to Dr. Alexandra’s newsletter: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/subscribe/
Learn more on IG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/
Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 2) with My Husband, Todd
Dr. Alexandra is in-studio with her husband, Todd, for this special two-part conversation about loving across potentially dealbreaking differences. Inspired by the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, Dr. Alexandra and Todd reflect on navigating a faith difference, with Dr. Alexandra ultimately converting to Judaism in preparation for their marriage. They discuss the larger question: how can a couple go about navigating ANY potentially dealbreaking difference?
In this second part of their studio conversation, Dr. Alexandra and Todd talk about scorekeeping, with gender differences, attachment styles and general disposition/worldview in mind, best practices for the “winner” and “loser” in a change/sacrifice scenario, how to approach making sacrifices to stave off resentment…and then the REAL juicy stuff: does Todd hate that Dr. Alexandra is now a Swiftie like him? Plus, hear her hot take on shelving conversations for later.
Resources worth mentioning from the episode:
Reimagining Love Episode, Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 1) with My Husband, Todd https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/nobody-wants-this-how-to-love-across-potentially-dealbreaking-differences-with-my-husband-todd/
Watch our FULL IN-STUDIO CONVERSATION: https://youtu.be/4R40kazeU4Q?t=9
Reimagining Love Episode, Love Stories: Toddcast https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/love-stories-toddcast/
Managing Back to School Stress on MasterClass: http://masterclass.com/backtoschool
Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
Ask a question! Submit your relationship challenge: https://form.jotform.com/212295995939274
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day: https://bookshop.org/p/books/love-every-day-365-relational-self-awareness-practices-to-help-your-relationship-heal-grow-and-thrive-alexandra-solomon/19970421?ean=9781683736530
Cultivate connection by subscribing to Dr. Alexandra’s newsletter: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/subscribe/
Learn more on IG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/
Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 1) with My Husband, Todd
Dr. Alexandra is in-studio with her husband, Todd, for this special two-part conversation about loving across potentially dealbreaking differences. Inspired by the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, Dr. Alexandra and Todd reflect on navigating a faith difference, with Dr. Alexandra ultimately converting to Judaism in preparation for their marriage. They discuss the larger question: how can a couple go about navigating ANY potentially dealbreaking difference?
You’ll hear their reflections on Dr. Alexandra’s decision to convert to Judaism, as they discuss the implications of being the 'sacrificing partner' versus the one being 'sacrificed for’. You will also hear how attachment differences and family of origin dynamics impacted their relationship and what they’ve learned from it all over the years.
You’ll come away from this episode with:
- A deeper understanding of how interfaith dynamics can enrich or challenge relationships.
- Insights into the importance of communication in overcoming differences.
- Practical advice on navigating family of origin roles and attachment styles to enhance relationship intimacy.
Resources worth mentioning from the episode:
- Reimagining Love Episode, Love Stories: Toddcast https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/love-stories-toddcast/
- Managing Back to School Stress on MasterClass: http://masterclass.com/backtoschool
Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
- Ask a question! Submit your relationship challenge: https://form.jotform.com/212295995939274
- Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day: https://bookshop.org/p/books/love-every-day-365-relational-self-awareness-practices-to-help-your-relationship-heal-grow-and-thrive-alexandra-solomon/19970421?ean=9781683736530
- Cultivate connection by subscribing to Dr. Alexandra’s newsletter: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/subscribe/
- Learn more on IG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/
Loving Across Difference: Navigating Identity and Family Relationships Between Cultures with Sahaj Kaur Kohli
First-generation children of immigrants often struggle with bicultural straddling, impacting their sense of identity, their mental health, their priorities and values, and their relationships. They can also find it difficult to be understood and loved by their parents in a way they can truly feel. Dr. Alexandra is joined by Sahaj Kaur Kohli, founder of Brown Girl Therapy and author of But What Will People Say: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love and Family Between Cultures to discuss how we can develop more capacity to love across differences and make shifts within ourselves to change our relationships for the better.
You will come away from this conversation with:
- Validation for identity tensions you may carry as the child of immigrant parents (or more perspective on these identity tensions if you are not!)
- Insight into balancing personal boundaries with cultural expectations, especially when dealing with clashing priorities - plus a fresh perspective on how to approach healing
- Tips on finding the right therapist and how to ensure you’re receiving culturally-attuned care given the mental health field’s bias toward a Eurocentric and individualized approach
- Strategies for building healthier relationships - with yourself, your family, and romantic partners - while honoring your heritage
“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh
Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra
But What Will People Say: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love and Family Between Cultures by Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Brown Girl Therapy Instagram
Learn more about Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
“My Family is a Mess. Will The Dynamic Ever Change?”
When there’s a struggling person in a family, the system often coalesces around that individual, and while we might imagine these patterns get left behind when kids grow into adults, the dynamic often endures for the long run. Reimagining Love listener Cristina wrote in to Dr. Alexandra from Chicago, asking about how to better handle the challenges of such a situation. She’s the only one in her family who is in therapy, and she is eager to disrupt the dynamic. Cristina wants to stay connected to her sisters, despite the challenges they’ve faced, and her hope is to break longstanding patterns of over-accommodation and resentment while honoring her own needs as well as other family members’. Dr. Alexandra dives into this question with the goal of exploring an empowering therapeutic truth: that when you change your own dance moves, you can transform the entire system. If you’re dealing with something similar, this episode is going to offer you ways forward you may not have experimented yet, that could have the potential to change everything. If you’d like to submit a listener question of your own, you can do so by following the link below.
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Crushes, First Love, and Heartbreak: Supporting Teens Through Relationship Milestones with Lisa A. Phillips
Parents of adolescents can feel like they’re in a tough spot: they get so much pushback and can lose their confidence when it comes to talking about the topics that really matter such as romance and love. Additionally, many parents don’t feel up to the task of talking with their teens about this subject—often because they’re still making sense of their own relationship journeys. In her new book, First Love: Guiding Teens through Relationships and Heartbreak, journalist, author, and professor Lisa A. Phillips reminds us that all adults are really still recovering from being teenagers, and that they bring their own experiences and ideas of first love into conversations with their kids. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra chats with Lisa about how our society has a tendency to demean and devalue fist love, the fact that most adolescents wish their parents spoke with them about relationships, and why a crush really is a milestone, too. They also explore how parents bring their own experiences and biases to these conversations, and often let their own fears and hang-ups stop them from having this important dialog in the first place.
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak by Lisa A. Phillips
From WAMU’s 1A: How to talk our teens through their first heartbreaks, featuring Lisa A. Phillips, Alexandra Solomon, and Lauren Hamilton, hosted by Jenn White.
Lisa’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
How to Unbreak Your Heart: The Healing Power of Creativity with Hallie Bateman & Suzy Hopkins
Breakups are heart-wrenching at any age, but when a partner leaves suddenly after three decades of marriage, it takes a lot of time to pick up the pieces. When Suzy Hopkins had this experience, she decided to team up with her illustrator daughter Hallie Bateman to channel her pain into a creative project, and their book, What To Do When You Get Dumped: A Guide to Unbreaking Your Heart, came to life. Suzy had a rich career in journalism including founding her own magazine, and Hallie is a writer and illustrator whose work has appeared in places like the New Yorker and the New York Times Magazine. This is the second book Hallie and Suzy have made together, and on today’s episode, they’re giving us an inside look at what creating this illustrated guide entailed and how healing the creative process was for both of them. Dr. Alexandra chats with them about some of the most painful aspects of breakups, and they explore the incredible renewal that can occur in the wake of loss, when we are able to accept support from those we love and summon the courage to reimagine our lives.
Relevant links:
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
What to Do When You Get Dumped by Suzy Hopkins & Hallie Bateman
Hallie’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Rebel (From Critical to Curious)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it! All previous role-specific episodes are also linked here: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist).
We’re taking a look at “The Rebel” role in today’s episode. Some family systems are well-equipped to handle disagreement, debate, and resistance. But when a family is under pressure in any way, a child who questions or challenges the system is going to be seen as a threat. While the Rebel may cling to their strong opinions and double down on their critical stance, feelings of fear, isolation, and anxiety may occur and continue into adulthood, especially around conformity and authority. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Rebel can break free from old stories that their only path to safety was to push back and choose the path of opposition.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love episode: “People-Pleasing vs. Brutal Honesty: When & How to Share Feedback with Your Partner”
Reimagining Love episode: “When Having ‘No Filter’ Hurts a Relationship”
Past episodes of the Family of Origin Roles Series: Introductory Episode, The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Parentified Child (From Confidant to Consultant)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it! All previous role-specific episodes are also linked here: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist).
We’re taking a look at “The Parentified Child” role in today’s episode. The child cast into this role likely heard that they were “so mature,” “wise beyond their years,” or were praised for their comforting presence when they were growing up. The problem? Kids shouldn’t have to provide emotional support to the adults in their family. Unfortunately for the Parentified Child, this felt like the surest route to safety and love, perhaps due to a chaotic environment, overwhelmed parents, or conflict in the family system. As an adult, the Parentified Child carries with them a certain set of beliefs and tendencies that they picked up as a kid in this role. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Parentified Child can free themselves from always taking on others’ needs and create more egalitarian relationships that feel safe and nourishing.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love episode with Dr. Hillary McBride: Getting Present: Tuning Into Your Body with Dr. Hillary McBride
Reimagining Love series: “I Love My Partner, But Their Family is Toxic”: Part 1, Part 2
Girlhood Interrupted: The Erasure of Black Girls' Childhood (Rebecca Epstein, Jamilia J. Blake, Thalia González, from the Center on Poverty and Inequality, Georgetown Law)
Past episodes of the Family of Origin Roles Series: Introductory Episode, The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it!
We’re taking a look at “The Peacemaker” role in today’s episode. All families have conflict, and it’s common for one child in the family to play a referee or mediator role, either through intervention or more subtler peacemaking strategies, such as comic relief. As adults, Peacemakers likely find themselves between friends and family members when there are tensions and may struggle to extract themselves from these dynamics. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Peacemaker can embark on their healing journey.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love: Disrupting the Underfunctioning/Overfunctioning Dynamic
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it!
We’re taking a look at “The Struggling One” role in today’s episode. In some families, there is an individual who needs more care and attention than others. There are a number of reasons why this might be the case, including a difference in ability, a behavioral challenge, or a mental health condition. In any case, the “struggling one” is the recipient of a lot of the family system’s energy, and this dynamic may lead to certain challenges and strengths for that person in adulthood. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Struggling One can embark on their healing journey.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Minorities Less Likely to Be Identified for Special Education, Study Finds (EducationWeek)
‘Boys are disappearing’ from mental health care as signs of depression go undetected (NBC News)
Girls With Social and/or Attention Deficit Re-Examined in Young Adulthood: Prospective Study of Diagnostic Stability, Daily Life Functioning and Social Situation (National Library of Medicine)
The "Spoon Theory" (Christine Miserandino, www.butyoudontlooksick.com)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!
We’re taking a look at “The Easy One” role in today’s episode. If you were the kid who could always “go with the flow” in your family, this might be you. As a child, you didn’t express a lot of needs (even though you had them, as we all do!), and that may have been a relief to the Big People in your system, because their attention was needed elsewhere. As an adult, you may identify as a people-pleaser, always attuning yourself to the people around you, wondering how you can make them comfortable or happy. You may believe you’re only worthy to the degree that you’re accommodating others. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Easy One can embark on their healing journey.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Resources about power exchange / kink:
- From Michelle Herzog’s Center for Modern Relationships: Article Part I, Article Part II
- Pleasure Mechanics: Courses
- Pleasure Mechanics: Podcast episode
- Dipsea: “How to explore light bondage play with your trusted partner” by Toni Sicola (2021)
- Pillow Talk Podcast (Vanessa + Xander Marin): How To Spice It Up In the Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners
- TIME Article: “Why I Kept My Kinks a Secret” by R.O. Kwon (2024)
- British GQ: “A dominatrix gives a beginners guide to kink” by Daisy Schofield (2024)
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Give the gift of Relational Self-Awareness! All of Dr. Alexandra's online offerings are 20% off until December 20th, 2024! They include the hallmark course "Intimate Relationships 101" and the Reimagining Love Workbook as a beautiful companion to this podcast. Visit https://dralexandrasolomon.com/giftguide2024/ to explore Relational Self-Awareness as you and your loved ones move into the new year.
Build essential relationship skills with MasterClass. Dr. Alexandra, Ryan Holiday, and other experts share how you can improve communication, resilience, and relationships with the class “Using Ancient Wisdom to Solve Modern Problems”. Learn more at http://www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence)
Today’s episode is part of a new solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (aka FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!
Up first in Dr. Alexandra’s exploration of family roles is “The Perfect One.” If you were the superstar kid in your family, known for bringing home good grades and accolades, this might be you. As an adult, perhaps you seek validation and affirmation of your worthiness through tangible accomplishments. You may believe you’re only as good and worthy of love as your job title, latest career win, parenting flex, or fitness milestone. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Perfect One can embark on their healing journey.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
What Role Did You Play In Your Family of Origin? (Re-release)
Today’s episode is the first of a new solo episode series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles. Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messaging about love, connection, and worthiness as a result.
To start off this series, we’re revisiting this in-depth solo episode, in which Dr. Alexandra explains the six common roles we might have played in our original family systems. Through understanding our past, we can see how these roles continue to show up in our relationships today and use that knowledge as a powerful Relational Self-Awareness tool. In December, we’ll begin releasing role-specific episodes for each of the six roles, starting with “The Perfect One,” so be sure to catch that conversation next month.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I contributed to with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to “Little You” & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.
Facing Estrangement? Ask Yourself These Questions
The decision to cut off a family member is a difficult one. Estrangement is an attempt to solve a painful, systemic relationship problem. This monumental move should be deeply considered, and my collectivist approach to therapy encourages being curious about and striving to understand how the different contexts our family members—epsecially those with a generational divide—grew up and live within can impact how we show up in our relationships. Without, of course, ever dismissing the very real trauma that can precede an estrangement.
In this in-depth solo episode, I explore the dynamics of cut-offs, including what both the official research and my recent social media survey have to say. Then, I offer three relational self-awareness questions for folks on both sides of the estrangement experience: those considering cutting off a family member and those who are about to be or have been cut off.
These questions aim to support compassionate dialogue that increases both party’s chances of finding a solution. Whether you are the estranger or the estranged, it is my hope that this conversation will leave you with some tools and a perspective you may not have considered, one that takes each person’s lived experience into consideration and opens up the possibility of finding a middle ground between an unhealthy status quo and walking away.
Relevant Links:
- Get your companion workbook - https://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/cutoff
- My talk on 1A: “When Loved Ones Become Strangers” - https://the1a.org/segments/when-loved-ones-become-strangers/
- Reimagining Love Episode: “End or Mend: Managing Difficult Family Relationships with Nedra Tawwab” - https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/end-or-mend-managing-difficult-family-relationships-with-nedra-tawwab/
- APA article: “Estrangement Is Never Easy or Straightforward. Psychologists Can Help” - https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/04/healing-pain-estrangement
- Vogue article: “Why So Many People (Myself Included) Are Experiencing Family Estrangement” - https://www.vogue.com/article/why-so-many-people-are-experiencing-family-estrangement
- Aeon article: “Estrangement” - https://aeon.co/essays/modern-culture-blames-parents-for-forces-beyond-their-control
- Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every Day
- Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
- Submit a Listener Question
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Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re going to be on a very short two week break starting Sept 17th. When we return on October 1st, we’re going to start publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.
Mental Health and Relationships in Post-Roe America with Shefali Luthra and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
June 24th marks the two-year anniversary of The Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Because Reimagining Love is a show devoted to relationships and helping people cultivate relationships founded in empowerment and care, Dr. Alexandra wanted to shine a light on the pervasive and pernicious impacts of the Supreme Court’s decision on individuals, couples, and families in the United States. In fact, abortion has become virtually unavailable or significantly restricted in 21 states leaving pregnant people and their loved ones across the country facing the fears and roadblocks in their attempts to access reproductive healthcare.
In this episode Dr. Alexandra facilitates a roundtable discussion with two strong voices in the field who help us better understand the mental health and the relational health effects of living in Post-Roe America– and how restriction of access to abortion exacerbates economic and racial inequality.
Shefali Luthra is a health policy journalist who recently released her first book, Undue Burden: Life and Death Decisions in Post-Roe America, and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin is a perinatal psychiatrist and the author of Real Self Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness.
Shefali and Dr. Pooja’s powerful insights will resonate with listeners who have experienced these impacts firsthand as well as those watching the landscape unfold from afar.
Relevant Links:
Read Undue Burden: Life and Death Decisions in Post-Roe America by Shefali Luthra
Read Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included) by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
The UCSF Turnaway Study
Connect with Shefali on X or through email
Learn more about Dr. Pooja’s work, subscribe to her newsletter, and connect with her on Instagram
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Join Dr. Alexandra's five-day retreat with the Modern Elder Academy — Get 10% off with code 'GF10'
Try Kion Aminos risk-free for 60-days with a money-back guarantee. Get 20% off https://www.getkion.com/OLSP - discount code is OLSP.
End or Mend: Managing Difficult Family Relationships with Nedra Tawwab
[Content warning: this episode contains a brief mention of suicide. If you prefer to not listen to this moment, please skip this week's listener question segment at the end of the episode]
Nedra Tawwab returns to Reimagining Love to discuss what can be our most challenging and vulnerable relationships: difficult relationships with our Families of Origin. Nedra offers empowering tools and relational strategies to help us adapt and redefine these relationships; tools to help us acknowledge when our family members have changed and accept when they cannot. Together, Nedra and Dr. Alexandra explore how this theme connects with a wide variety of topics: the tricky dynamics of in-laws, differing perspectives around the past, and how to navigate painful decisions around estrangement.
Relevant links:
Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Drama Free Workbook: Practical Exercises for Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Listen to Nedra's podcast, You Need to Hear This
Connect with Nedra online and on Instagram
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Open Marriage: Lessons from Non-Monogamy & Motherhood with Molly Roden Winter
Author Molly Roden Winter joins Reimagining Love to share her story of opening up her marriage as a happily married mother and the hard-earned and profound truths she learned along the way. For Molly, her journey of non-monogamy opened her up to more: more choice and self-discovery, and feeling more than her roles as a mother and wife.
Relevant links:
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter
New York Magazine's "A Practical Guide to Modern Polyamory"
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Conscious Uncoupling: Divorce as an Ending, Not a Failure with Katherine Woodward Thomas
Ten years after "conscious uncoupling" first entered the public lexicon, Katherine Woodward Thomas joins Reimagining Love to discuss her powerful rebrand of what's possible after a breakup or divorce. Through sharing her story and dissecting the cultural myths that cause us to view divorce as a failure, Katherine encourages us to bring a sense of generosity and intentionality to the process so that we can transform our relationships with our former partner, ourselves, and our futures.
Relevant links:
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas
Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life (Revised) by Katherine Woodward Thomas
Connect with Katherine online and on Instagram
Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage by Stephanie Coontz
The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons
Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
What Role Did You Play in Your Family of Origin?
In this in-depth solo episode, Dr. Alexandra explains the six common roles we played in our original family systems. Way before we ever were involved in a romantic relationship, we were part of a family system, and that system, for better or for worse, shaped our ideas about who we can and cannot be. Through understanding our past, we can see how these roles continue to show up in our relationships today and use that knowledge as a powerful Relational Self-Awareness tool.
Relevant links:
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: "Tending to "Little You" & Exploring Your Family of Origin"
Dr. Alexandra's Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter