Family of Origin Roles Series: The Rebel (From Critical to Curious)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it! All previous role-specific episodes are also linked here: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist).
We’re taking a look at “The Rebel” role in today’s episode. Some family systems are well-equipped to handle disagreement, debate, and resistance. But when a family is under pressure in any way, a child who questions or challenges the system is going to be seen as a threat. While the Rebel may cling to their strong opinions and double down on their critical stance, feelings of fear, isolation, and anxiety may occur and continue into adulthood, especially around conformity and authority. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Rebel can break free from old stories that their only path to safety was to push back and choose the path of opposition.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love episode: “People-Pleasing vs. Brutal Honesty: When & How to Share Feedback with Your Partner”
Reimagining Love episode: “When Having ‘No Filter’ Hurts a Relationship”
Past episodes of the Family of Origin Roles Series: Introductory Episode, The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Parentified Child (From Confidant to Consultant)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it! All previous role-specific episodes are also linked here: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist).
We’re taking a look at “The Parentified Child” role in today’s episode. The child cast into this role likely heard that they were “so mature,” “wise beyond their years,” or were praised for their comforting presence when they were growing up. The problem? Kids shouldn’t have to provide emotional support to the adults in their family. Unfortunately for the Parentified Child, this felt like the surest route to safety and love, perhaps due to a chaotic environment, overwhelmed parents, or conflict in the family system. As an adult, the Parentified Child carries with them a certain set of beliefs and tendencies that they picked up as a kid in this role. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Parentified Child can free themselves from always taking on others’ needs and create more egalitarian relationships that feel safe and nourishing.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love episode with Dr. Hillary McBride: Getting Present: Tuning Into Your Body with Dr. Hillary McBride
Reimagining Love series: “I Love My Partner, But Their Family is Toxic”: Part 1, Part 2
Girlhood Interrupted: The Erasure of Black Girls' Childhood (Rebecca Epstein, Jamilia J. Blake, Thalia González, from the Center on Poverty and Inequality, Georgetown Law)
Past episodes of the Family of Origin Roles Series: Introductory Episode, The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it!
We’re taking a look at “The Peacemaker” role in today’s episode. All families have conflict, and it’s common for one child in the family to play a referee or mediator role, either through intervention or more subtler peacemaking strategies, such as comic relief. As adults, Peacemakers likely find themselves between friends and family members when there are tensions and may struggle to extract themselves from these dynamics. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Peacemaker can embark on their healing journey.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love: Disrupting the Underfunctioning/Overfunctioning Dynamic
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it!
We’re taking a look at “The Struggling One” role in today’s episode. In some families, there is an individual who needs more care and attention than others. There are a number of reasons why this might be the case, including a difference in ability, a behavioral challenge, or a mental health condition. In any case, the “struggling one” is the recipient of a lot of the family system’s energy, and this dynamic may lead to certain challenges and strengths for that person in adulthood. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Struggling One can embark on their healing journey.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Minorities Less Likely to Be Identified for Special Education, Study Finds (EducationWeek)
‘Boys are disappearing’ from mental health care as signs of depression go undetected (NBC News)
Girls With Social and/or Attention Deficit Re-Examined in Young Adulthood: Prospective Study of Diagnostic Stability, Daily Life Functioning and Social Situation (National Library of Medicine)
The "Spoon Theory" (Christine Miserandino, www.butyoudontlooksick.com)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Bedroom Conversations: Why Great Sex Starts With Great Communication with Vanessa & Xander Marin
On today’s episode of Reimagining Love, Vanessa & Xander Marin join Dr. Alexandra for a frank and compassionate conversation about sex—specifically, sex in long-term relationships. It’s normal for couples to fall into a rut in the bedroom, ranging from sex feeling kind of “meh,” to long periods without any intimacy at all. These ebbs and flows are part of being in a long-term relationship or marriage, and the good news is, there are actions you can take to chart a new course with your partner and to get excited about each other again. Vanessa and Xander are a couple who have been creating that very roadmap for folks, through their amazing online courses, their podcast, Pillow Talks, and their New York Times-bestselling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. Vanessa is a sex therapist with 20 years of experience who has been featured in outlets like O, The Oprah Magazine, Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue, and Goop, and she has written for The New York Times, Allure, and Lifehacker. And Xander? Well, he is a “regular dude” who left his corporate job to join Vanessa in this work. Together they blend clinical wisdom, humor, openness, and their own personal stories to normalize talking about our sex lives and to offer techniques for improving yours. You are going to hear about their personal experience with couple therapy and how they landed on the agreement, “If it matters to one of us, it matters to both of us.” They share so many juicy insights about sex, from desire discrepancy to initiation to their amazing acronym “P.L.E.A.S.E.,” which you’ll learn in this conversation. This episode will give you the confidence to shift the way you and your partner talk about sex and couple therapy, as well as anything else you might be stuck on.
Relevant Links:
Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life by Vanessa & Xander Marin
Vanessa & Xander’s website: https://vmtherapy.com/https://vmtherapy.com/
Vanessa & Xander’s courses & challenges: https://vmtherapy.com/holiday-gift-guide-2024
Vanessa & Xander’s podcast, Pillow Talks: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/pillow-talks/id1569466131
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Give the gift of Relational Self-Awareness! All of Dr. Alexandra's online offerings are 20% off until December 20th, 2024! They include the hallmark course "Intimate Relationships 101" and the Reimagining Love Workbook as a beautiful companion to this podcast. Visit https://dralexandrasolomon.com/giftguide2024/ to explore Relational Self-Awareness as you and your loved ones move into the new year.
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!
We’re taking a look at “The Easy One” role in today’s episode. If you were the kid who could always “go with the flow” in your family, this might be you. As a child, you didn’t express a lot of needs (even though you had them, as we all do!), and that may have been a relief to the Big People in your system, because their attention was needed elsewhere. As an adult, you may identify as a people-pleaser, always attuning yourself to the people around you, wondering how you can make them comfortable or happy. You may believe you’re only worthy to the degree that you’re accommodating others. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Easy One can embark on their healing journey.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Resources about power exchange / kink:
- From Michelle Herzog’s Center for Modern Relationships: Article Part I, Article Part II
- Pleasure Mechanics: Courses
- Pleasure Mechanics: Podcast episode
- Dipsea: “How to explore light bondage play with your trusted partner” by Toni Sicola (2021)
- Pillow Talk Podcast (Vanessa + Xander Marin): How To Spice It Up In the Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners
- TIME Article: “Why I Kept My Kinks a Secret” by R.O. Kwon (2024)
- British GQ: “A dominatrix gives a beginners guide to kink” by Daisy Schofield (2024)
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Give the gift of Relational Self-Awareness! All of Dr. Alexandra's online offerings are 20% off until December 20th, 2024! They include the hallmark course "Intimate Relationships 101" and the Reimagining Love Workbook as a beautiful companion to this podcast. Visit https://dralexandrasolomon.com/giftguide2024/ to explore Relational Self-Awareness as you and your loved ones move into the new year.
Build essential relationship skills with MasterClass. Dr. Alexandra, Ryan Holiday, and other experts share how you can improve communication, resilience, and relationships with the class “Using Ancient Wisdom to Solve Modern Problems”. Learn more at http://www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence)
Today’s episode is part of a new solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (aka FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!
Up first in Dr. Alexandra’s exploration of family roles is “The Perfect One.” If you were the superstar kid in your family, known for bringing home good grades and accolades, this might be you. As an adult, perhaps you seek validation and affirmation of your worthiness through tangible accomplishments. You may believe you’re only as good and worthy of love as your job title, latest career win, parenting flex, or fitness milestone. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Perfect One can embark on their healing journey.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
What Role Did You Play In Your Family of Origin? (Re-release)
Today’s episode is the first of a new solo episode series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles. Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messaging about love, connection, and worthiness as a result.
To start off this series, we’re revisiting this in-depth solo episode, in which Dr. Alexandra explains the six common roles we might have played in our original family systems. Through understanding our past, we can see how these roles continue to show up in our relationships today and use that knowledge as a powerful Relational Self-Awareness tool. In December, we’ll begin releasing role-specific episodes for each of the six roles, starting with “The Perfect One,” so be sure to catch that conversation next month.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I contributed to with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to “Little You” & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.