Communication and Conf..., Culture, Emotional Wellness, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage Communication and Conf..., Culture, Emotional Wellness, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage

Carrying the Mental Load: How Unequal Cognitive Labor Can Affect Your Relationship with Allison Daminger

Dr. Alexandra nerds-out with Dr. Allison Daminger about the division of work in couples, particularly in an often overlooked domain: the mental space. In her research, Daminger found that even when couples approximate parity around “time use”, there are still huge gaps in what she calls “mind use” or cognitive labor… even for modern couples who believe in what she calls the Myth of Mutuality, an equal partnership where both partners evenly share the load.

You will hear about the gendered disparities in cognitive labor in the home in a gentle, blame-free way. When it comes to gender roles in family life, we tend to overestimate the effects of individual differences and underestimate the effects of bigger social forces. So if the load is feeling unequal in your partnership, Daminger wants you to move away from guilt and blame and toward strategies that move you closer to your ideals. 

In this episode, you’ll hear about:

  • What constitutes cognitive labor and why women tend to carry the lion’s share.

  • Experiences from couples in Allison’s research who successfully created shared systems for cognitive labor, and the approaches and conditions that made that possible.

  • The narratives couples use to justify how they divide labor, especially when trying to avoid recreating gendered patterns (while often recreating them anyway).

  • How to spot cognitive labor disparities in your own home and use that awareness to divide responsibilities more fairly based on skill rather than “personality” (i.e., gendered expectations).

  • The pressure that broader societal structures place on individual households, and how reframing the issue can support calls for systemic change.

  • How to start small and make meaningful shifts toward parity in cognitive labor.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 2) with My Husband, Todd

Dr. Alexandra is in-studio with her husband, Todd, for this special two-part conversation about loving across potentially dealbreaking differences. Inspired by the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, Dr. Alexandra and Todd reflect on navigating a faith difference, with Dr. Alexandra ultimately converting to Judaism in preparation for their marriage. They discuss the larger question: how can a couple go about navigating ANY potentially dealbreaking difference? 

In this second part of their studio conversation, Dr. Alexandra and Todd talk about scorekeeping, with gender differences, attachment styles and general disposition/worldview in mind, best practices for the “winner” and “loser” in a change/sacrifice scenario, how to approach making sacrifices to stave off resentment…and then the REAL juicy stuff: does Todd hate that Dr. Alexandra is now a Swiftie like him? Plus, hear her hot take on shelving conversations for later.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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Communication and Conf..., Culture, Dating, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage Communication and Conf..., Culture, Dating, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage

Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 1) with My Husband, Todd

Dr. Alexandra is in-studio with her husband, Todd, for this special two-part conversation about loving across potentially dealbreaking differences. Inspired by the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, Dr. Alexandra and Todd reflect on navigating a faith difference, with Dr. Alexandra ultimately converting to Judaism in preparation for their marriage. They discuss the larger question: how can a couple go about navigating ANY potentially dealbreaking difference? 

You’ll hear their reflections on Dr. Alexandra’s decision to convert to Judaism, as they discuss the implications of being the 'sacrificing partner' versus the one being 'sacrificed for’. You will also hear how attachment differences and family of origin dynamics impacted their relationship and what they’ve learned from it all over the years. 

You’ll come away from this episode with:

  • A deeper understanding of how interfaith dynamics can enrich or challenge relationships.

  • Insights into the importance of communication in overcoming differences.

  • Practical advice on navigating family of origin roles and attachment styles to enhance relationship intimacy.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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Emotional Wellness, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se... Emotional Wellness, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se...

Why Self-Compassion is an Essential Practice with Dr. Kristin Neff

Dr. Alexandra’s conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff is all about self-compassion, an essential tool for your emotional well-being toolkit (and that’s scientifically proven!). Dr. Kristen Neff, a trailblazer in the field of self-compassion research, introduces the three foundational pillars of self-compassion, illustrating how integrating all three of these elements empowers individuals to confront their inner critic and cultivate healthier connections.   

The discussion delves into the biological and family of origin influences that shape our self-criticism, while also addressing the grief that may surface when embarking on a self-compassion journey.  You will also learn about Fierce Self-Compassion, and how we can lean into this action-oriented facet to be ambitious and to fulfill our life’s purpose.

You’ll come away from this episode with:

  • A deeper understanding of the three pillars of self-compassion and their impact on relationships. 

  • Insights into how practising self-compassion can cultivate self-love, foster connection, enhance intimacy, and reduce anxiety, shame, and isolation.

  • A new perspective on some common myths of self-compassion, such as:

  1. Are self-compassion and self-esteem the same thing? 

  2. Is “self-compassion” just “self-pity” rebranded? 

  3. Does practising self-compassion encourage people to not take personal accountability?

  4. Does embracing self-compassion mean we can’t be ambitious or want to come in first place?

  • Strategies for integrating self-compassion into your routine, with a simple starting point that Dr. Kristin Neff herself practises daily.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

 

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For Love, In Truth: How To Live Authentically and Find Joy with Dr. Martha Beck

“The cost of that is courage, to live for love, in truth. It takes a lot of guts and the rewards are indescribable.”

Dr. Alexandra sits down with bestselling author and coach Dr. Martha Beck to explore what it means to live “for love, in truth”, a mantra that can redefine the way we experience love and relationships. In a world filled with societal pressures and expectations, Martha shares her wisdom on how embracing authenticity can unlock profound joy and lead to fulfilling connections. Martha reflects on her unconventional journey through relationships, and the life-changing lessons learned from a spiritual experience she had while under anesthesia and from being shunned by her community in her young adulthood. Together, Dr. Alexandra and Dr. Martha Beck tackle a listener's poignant question about experiencing doubt in her relationship that’s full of “emotional complexities and longing”, leading her to question if her needs are being met.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • What Martha Beck means by her mantra, “For love, in truth,” and how to recognize when you’re living out of alignment with your truth.

  • How to hold love and truth through moments of doubt and loss, and how to embrace doubt and loss as necessary aspects of growth.

  • How to come back to peace when life feels overwhelming.

  • How to balance compassion for your partner with holding your own truth, telling your own story, and tending to your personal needs. 

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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What To Do When Your Partner Is Struggling (Part Two)

In this two-part series, Dr. Alexandra will be taking you through how to take care of yourself and your relationship when your partner is struggling. Perhaps your partner is struggling with a job loss, a health diagnosis, a mental health challenge, the loss of a loved one, family drama, co-parenting with an ex, or something else entirely. Whatever it is, the theme is that there is some scenario that is taking up more of your partner’s bandwidth than usual, leaving less bandwidth for you and your relationship.

In this second part, Dr. Alexandra is going to take you through five internal strategies to cope with the situation at hand – strategies that are about how you can tend to and take care of yourself. Then she will take you through nine relational strategies – strategies that will help you and your partner maintain or restore your relationship even as your partner struggles. 

You’ll come away with this conversation with:

  • A toolkit of five internal strategies to support your own emotional health while caring for your partner.

  • Nine actionable relational strategies to enhance communication and understanding in your relationship.

  • Insights on the significance of self-care for the non-struggling partner and how it contributes to relationship health.

  • Food-for-thought on resentment, grieving, high-functioning co-dependency, celebrating small victories, and rebuilding after a dark period (and so much more!)

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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What To Do When Your Partner Is Struggling (Part One)

In this two-part series, Dr. Alexandra will be taking you through how to take care of yourself and your relationship when your partner is struggling. Perhaps your partner is struggling with a job loss, a health diagnosis, a mental health challenge, the loss of a loved one, family drama, co-parenting with an ex, or something else entirely. Whatever it is, the theme is that there is some scenario that is taking up more of your partner’s bandwidth than usual, leaving less bandwidth for you and your relationship.

In this first part, Dr. Alexandra is going to be contextualizing this scenario and providing lots of validation for the struggle that comes with having a struggling partner. She is also going to discuss factors that shape how your partner’s struggle impacts you. Hard things are just hard, but the ways you’re getting activated in the wake of your partner’s struggle also have a lot to do with your specific wounds, as well as the role you played in your family of origin. 

The insights shared in this episode lay the groundwork for a two-part series designed to equip you with effective coping strategies to maintain your well-being while fostering intimacy and connection, even in challenging times.

You’ll come away from this conversation with:

  • A deeper understanding of what Dr. Alexandra calls the Recursive Relational Framework (RRF)

  • Research examples that demonstrate that your partner’s struggles affect you and that how you respond can influence their outcome.

  • Strategies for recognizing and managing your emotional triggers in response to a partner's distress.

  • Practical tips for fostering personal growth while supporting a partner through their challenges. 

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Articles mentioned in the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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How Healing Your Inner Child Can Deepen Your Relationships with Christine Hassler

What if the key to deeper intimacy lies in understanding the echoes of our past? Dr. Alexandra Solomon sits with Christine Hassler, a Master coach, podcast host, and author, to discuss how our family of origin roles shape our present connections, emphasizing the importance of inner child work and relational self-awareness. Christine shares her journey through the unhealthy patterns that surfaced in her own relationship with her partner, Stef, offering a raw look at the necessity of self-reflection in cultivating healthier dynamics.

You'll come away from this episode with:

  • A deeper understanding of how family of origin influences shape your current relationships.

  • Practical strategies for engaging in inner child work to enhance self-awareness and relational dynamics.

  • Insights into the importance of self-advocacy (especially as women!) and authentic communication in intimate partnerships.

  • Perspective on how our professional roles and work offer yet another arena for us to notice and tend to old pain and create new ways of relating to ourselves and the world around us. 

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

  • Podcast - Life Coaching with Christine Hassler:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-coaching-with-christine-hassler/id1050321415

  • Christine Hassler’s The Women’s Retreat in San Diego, Oct 17-19, 2025:

https://christinehassler.com/womensretreat/

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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Communication and Conf..., Intimate Relationships, Relational Self-Awareness, Sex, Therapy Communication and Conf..., Intimate Relationships, Relational Self-Awareness, Sex, Therapy

Bedroom Conversations: Why Great Sex Starts With Great Communication with Vanessa & Xander Marin

On today’s episode of Reimagining Love, Vanessa & Xander Marin join Dr. Alexandra for a frank and compassionate conversation about sex—specifically, sex in long-term relationships. It’s normal for couples to fall into a rut in the bedroom, ranging from sex feeling kind of “meh,” to long periods without any intimacy at all. These ebbs and flows are part of being in a long-term relationship or marriage, and the good news is, there are actions you can take to chart a new course with your partner and to get excited about each other again. Vanessa and Xander are a couple who have been creating that very roadmap for folks, through their amazing online courses, their podcast, Pillow Talks, and their New York Times-bestselling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. Vanessa is a sex therapist with 20 years of experience who has been featured in outlets like O, The Oprah Magazine, Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue, and Goop, and she has written for The New York Times, Allure, and Lifehacker. And Xander? Well, he is a “regular dude” who left his corporate job to join Vanessa in this work. Together they blend clinical wisdom, humor, openness, and their own personal stories to normalize talking about our sex lives and to offer techniques for improving yours. You are going to hear about their personal experience with couple therapy and how they landed on the agreement, “If it matters to one of us, it matters to both of us.” They share so many juicy insights about sex, from desire discrepancy to initiation to their amazing acronym “P.L.E.A.S.E.,” which you’ll learn in this conversation. This episode will give you the confidence to shift the way you and your partner talk about sex and couple therapy, as well as anything else you might be stuck on.

Relevant Links:

Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life by Vanessa & Xander Marin

Vanessa & Xander’s website: https://vmtherapy.com/https://vmtherapy.com/

Vanessa & Xander’s courses & challenges: https://vmtherapy.com/holiday-gift-guide-2024

Vanessa & Xander’s podcast, Pillow Talks: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/pillow-talks/id1569466131

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Give the gift of Relational Self-Awareness! All of Dr. Alexandra's online offerings are 20% off until December 20th, 2024! They include the hallmark course "Intimate Relationships 101" and the Reimagining Love Workbook as a beautiful companion to this podcast. Visit https://dralexandrasolomon.com/giftguide2024/ to explore Relational Self-Awareness as you and your loved ones move into the new year.

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Modern Masculinity: From Toxic to Communicative with Dr. Ish Major

Dr. Ish Major joins Reimagining Love for a frank and honest conversation about modern masculinity and the communication gap across genders. Together, they discuss what is often missing from communication in relationships, what masculinity means in our modern era, and how truth is the antidote to toxic masculinity.

Relevant links:

Connect with Dr. Ish online and on Instagram

Watch Counsel Culture with Nick Cannon

Reimagining Love Episode: “Come Together: Cultivating Sexual Connection in Long-term Relationships with Emily Nagoski”

Order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day

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