“My Family is a Mess. Will The Dynamic Ever Change?”
When there’s a struggling person in a family, the system often coalesces around that individual, and while we might imagine these patterns get left behind when kids grow into adults, the dynamic often endures for the long run. Reimagining Love listener Cristina wrote in to Dr. Alexandra from Chicago, asking about how to better handle the challenges of such a situation. She’s the only one in her family who is in therapy, and she is eager to disrupt the dynamic. Cristina wants to stay connected to her sisters, despite the challenges they’ve faced, and her hope is to break longstanding patterns of over-accommodation and resentment while honoring her own needs as well as other family members’. Dr. Alexandra dives into this question with the goal of exploring an empowering therapeutic truth: that when you change your own dance moves, you can transform the entire system. If you’re dealing with something similar, this episode is going to offer you ways forward you may not have experimented yet, that could have the potential to change everything. If you’d like to submit a listener question of your own, you can do so by following the link below.
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Wisdom From a Happiness Expert: Simple Truths For a Better Life with Gretchen Rubin
The work of building a life we love is deep and longterm. But along the way, there are small and simple gems of wisdom that can pack a big punch and lead us to “aha” moments. Renowned happiness expert Gretchen Rubin’s new book, Secrets of Adulthood: Simple Truths for Our Complex Lives, is full of aphorisms that present those kinds of helpful, concise ideas. Gretchen is known for her ability to convey complex ideas—from science to literature to stories from her own life—with levity and clarity. She’s the author of many bestselling books, such as The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, The Four Tendencies, and Life in Five Senses. She’s also host of the popular podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, which helps people track their happiness-boosting habits. She and Dr. Alexandra kick off this conversation by discussing Gretchen’s reframe of “the empty nest” phase to “the open door” phase. Next, they use aphorisms from Gretchen’s book to explore themes like the tension between self-acceptance and wanting to grow, and balancing duty and desire in our relationships. Aphorisms can be wonderful conversation-openers, and this episode may even inspire you to write some of your own!
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Secrets of Adulthood: Simple Truths for Our Complex Lives by Gretchen Rubin
Abandon the Empty Nest. Instead, Try the Open Door by Gretchen Rubin (The Atlantic)
Gretchen’s podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Gretchen’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
How to Unbreak Your Heart: The Healing Power of Creativity with Hallie Bateman & Suzy Hopkins
Breakups are heart-wrenching at any age, but when a partner leaves suddenly after three decades of marriage, it takes a lot of time to pick up the pieces. When Suzy Hopkins had this experience, she decided to team up with her illustrator daughter Hallie Bateman to channel her pain into a creative project, and their book, What To Do When You Get Dumped: A Guide to Unbreaking Your Heart, came to life. Suzy had a rich career in journalism including founding her own magazine, and Hallie is a writer and illustrator whose work has appeared in places like the New Yorker and the New York Times Magazine. This is the second book Hallie and Suzy have made together, and on today’s episode, they’re giving us an inside look at what creating this illustrated guide entailed and how healing the creative process was for both of them. Dr. Alexandra chats with them about some of the most painful aspects of breakups, and they explore the incredible renewal that can occur in the wake of loss, when we are able to accept support from those we love and summon the courage to reimagine our lives.
Relevant links:
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
What to Do When You Get Dumped by Suzy Hopkins & Hallie Bateman
Hallie’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Your Mindset Changes Everything: The Power of Practical Optimism with Dr. Sue Varma
Today’s guest, psychiatrist and author Dr. Sue Varma, says that optimists may be born, but “practical optimists” are made. Not all optimism is good, and not all pessimism is bad. BUT when we become mired in negativity, Dr. Sue says, we become paralyzed and passive. So what’s the fix? In her book, Practical Optimism, and in this episode, she makes a compelling case for why we all need more optimism in our lives and tells us how we can cultivate it right now. Dr. Alexandra chats with Dr. Sue about the role self-compassion plays in this journey, and how finding your soul’s purpose can help you remain in an optimistic zone for decades to come. They also discuss how partners can explore their unique strengths in this area as a team.
Relevant links:
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Practical Optimism The Art, Science, and Practice of Exceptional Well-Being by Dr. Sue Varma
Dr. Sue’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Finding Abundance: The Expansion That Lives Within with Cathy Heller
“So often we look outside ourselves for the expansion that lives within,” says today’s guest Cathy Heller, a coach, spiritual guide, meditation teacher, and inspirational speaker. Many of us hang our worth and happiness on things we don’t have yet: the dream job, the perfect relationship, the fancy clothes. But in Cathy’s book Abundant Ever After, as well as in this episode, she tells us that we can have the ease, connection, and joy we so desperately crave, just as we are now. And when we can learn to do that, we become ready to receive abundance. Cathy and Dr. Alexandra discuss the Law of Reception and our capacity for welcoming goodness in, in the same way a radio dial tunes into different channels. Cathy also kicks off the episode by leading listeners through a nourishing mediation, which you can return to at any tim
Relevant links:
"Your Anxiety Toolkit" on MasterClass: www.masterclass.com/youranxietytoolkit
Abundant Ever After: Tools for Creating a Life of Prosperity and Ease by Cathy Heller
Cathy’s Instagram @cathy.heller
Cathy’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Can You Have an Amazing Career AND an Amazing Relationship?
Few topics are more relevant to our day-to-day lives than work. For many of us, our jobs are more than just occupations—they’re where we achieve goals, make meaning, experience successes and failures, and cultivate our self-esteem. So, when work and love collide, we find ourselves at a rich intersection of emotions, expectations, and needs. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra uncovers why fighting with your partner about work is never just that, and shares tools you can use to cultivate intimacy and ambition simultaneously. You’ll learn about what Dr. Alexandra calls “the Work-Love Matrix,” understand the connections between your experience in the workplace and your experience growing up in your Family-of-Origin, and hear a five-step practice you can use today to have more supportive conversations about work with your partner.
Relevant links:
Further Listening: Is Work Stress Taking a Toll on Your Relationship? (Reimagining Love)
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Is There an “Effort Mismatch” in Your Relationship?
When two partners have a major difference between them, it can kick up a lot of dust in a relationship. One of the most common is what Dr. Alexandra calls “The Effort Mismatch”: while one partner tends to scan the relationship for problems and is always on the lookout for growth opportunities (The Change Partner), the other partner holds steady, generally accepting the relationship for what it is today (The Acceptance Partner). The good news is, when both partners understand and value their differences, this contrast between them can be a huge asset to their relationship. However, most couples with an Effort Mismatch struggle to reckon with this discrepancy, digging their heels into their side of the dynamic or wishing their partner would magically change. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra explores the internal and relational experience of each of these two types of partners, shares tailored reminders and guidance for each of them, and explains how this difference can actually be extremely complementary, even as it poses challenges for a couple.
Relevant links:
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
How to Love Better: Cultivating Growth, Kindness, and Compassion with Yung Pueblo
You likely know today’s guest, Diego Perez, by his pen name: Yung Pueblo. He has an online audience of over 4 million people and is a New York Times bestselling author, whose books have been translated into over 25 languages. Diego’s work focuses on the power of self-healing, creating healthy relationships, and cultivating self-awareness, and his meditation practice is central to all that he shares with the world. He and Dr. Alexandra discuss all of that in this conversation, as they dig into the lessons and reflections he’s woven together in his new book, How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion. They dive into what it means to argue and disagree peacefully with a partner, the power of meditation, and why it’s important to work with the universe, not against it. Diego also opens up about his own love story with his wife, Sarah. They wrap things up by exploring a question together from a listener in Chicago who is feeling doubts in her relationship and isn’t sure about the way forward.
Relevant links:
How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion by Yung Pueblo
Diego’s Instagram @yung_pueblo
Diego’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Stop, Breathe, Be: Transformative Resets to Curb Stress with Dr. Aditi Nerurkar
Are you stressed? According to physician and stress expert Dr. Aditi Nerurkar’s research, the answer is most likely “YES.” Whether it’s due to pressure at work, the unrelenting deluge of news, care responsibilities, or relationship challenges (or all of the above!), it’s understandable that most of us feel overwhelmed. But when old coping strategies aren’t working anymore and life feels unmanageable, it takes a toll on our brains, bodies and longevity.
Dr. Aditi joins Dr. Alexandra on today’s episode for a transformative conversation, centered on her bestselling book “The Five Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body For Less Stress and More Resilience.” Dr. Aditi is a Harvard stress expert, medical doctor, and researcher who is committed to offering actionable, practical, and science-backed approaches to reimagining your relationship with everyday stress and burnout. They discuss the solutions she shares in her book, which will empower you to develop the right kind of resilience, the kind that will allow you to move through challenges with patience and stability. And Dr. Aditi also shares her three second brain reset, “Stop, Breathe, Be” for listeners to try out.
Relevant links:
The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience by Dr. Aditi Nerurkar
Dr. Aditi’s website
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Rebel (From Critical to Curious)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it! All previous role-specific episodes are also linked here: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist).
We’re taking a look at “The Rebel” role in today’s episode. Some family systems are well-equipped to handle disagreement, debate, and resistance. But when a family is under pressure in any way, a child who questions or challenges the system is going to be seen as a threat. While the Rebel may cling to their strong opinions and double down on their critical stance, feelings of fear, isolation, and anxiety may occur and continue into adulthood, especially around conformity and authority. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Rebel can break free from old stories that their only path to safety was to push back and choose the path of opposition.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love episode: “People-Pleasing vs. Brutal Honesty: When & How to Share Feedback with Your Partner”
Reimagining Love episode: “When Having ‘No Filter’ Hurts a Relationship”
Past episodes of the Family of Origin Roles Series: Introductory Episode, The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Parentified Child (From Confidant to Consultant)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it! All previous role-specific episodes are also linked here: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist).
We’re taking a look at “The Parentified Child” role in today’s episode. The child cast into this role likely heard that they were “so mature,” “wise beyond their years,” or were praised for their comforting presence when they were growing up. The problem? Kids shouldn’t have to provide emotional support to the adults in their family. Unfortunately for the Parentified Child, this felt like the surest route to safety and love, perhaps due to a chaotic environment, overwhelmed parents, or conflict in the family system. As an adult, the Parentified Child carries with them a certain set of beliefs and tendencies that they picked up as a kid in this role. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Parentified Child can free themselves from always taking on others’ needs and create more egalitarian relationships that feel safe and nourishing.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love episode with Dr. Hillary McBride: Getting Present: Tuning Into Your Body with Dr. Hillary McBride
Reimagining Love series: “I Love My Partner, But Their Family is Toxic”: Part 1, Part 2
Girlhood Interrupted: The Erasure of Black Girls' Childhood (Rebecca Epstein, Jamilia J. Blake, Thalia González, from the Center on Poverty and Inequality, Georgetown Law)
Past episodes of the Family of Origin Roles Series: Introductory Episode, The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence), The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity), The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate), The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Exploring Attachment: Transform Your Relationship Patterns with Thais Gibson
On today’s episode, we’re diving deep into the topic of attachment with guest Thais Gibson, an author, counselor, and the co-founder of The Personal Development School. While the discourse around attachment so often focuses on identifying what’s “wrong” with us, in this conversation, Dr. Alexandra and Thais explore how understanding and investigating our attachment style can create fertile ground for us to change the way we show up in relationships and break frustrating patterns. Our attachment style is not our destiny, and when we begin to understand the roots of this subconscious programming, we have the opportunity to reprogram ourselves for better and more fulfilling relationships. This episode will give you the tools and insights to start down that path and think more expansively about attachment.
Thais’s Instagram, The Personal Development School
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Your Best Relationship Begins with You: Nine Truths About Love & Self-Acceptance with Jillian Turecki
Today’s guest is Jillian Turecki, a certified relationship coach, teacher, author of the new book It Begins With You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life, and host of the podcast, Jillian On Love. You’ve likely seen her wise and straightforward videos that get right to the heart of our most pressing dating and relationship questions. She’s helped thousands through her teachings, courses, writing, and her popular social media accounts to revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they can transform their romantic relationships.
One of the central tenets of Jillian’s work is the idea that the common denominator in all your relationships is you. A lot of us know in our bones that creating safety inside ourselves is the key to healthy relationships with others—but we don’t always know how to do this or where to start. Jillian and Dr. Alexandra also discuss estrangement and navigating complex relationships with family members. Tune in to today’s episode to hear all of Jillian’s wisdom!
Relevant links:
It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths about Love That Will Change Your Life by Jillian Turecki
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it!
We’re taking a look at “The Peacemaker” role in today’s episode. All families have conflict, and it’s common for one child in the family to play a referee or mediator role, either through intervention or more subtler peacemaking strategies, such as comic relief. As adults, Peacemakers likely find themselves between friends and family members when there are tensions and may struggle to extract themselves from these dynamics. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Peacemaker can embark on their healing journey.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Reimagining Love: Disrupting the Underfunctioning/Overfunctioning Dynamic
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Struggling One (From Scapegoat to Self-Advocate)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it!
We’re taking a look at “The Struggling One” role in today’s episode. In some families, there is an individual who needs more care and attention than others. There are a number of reasons why this might be the case, including a difference in ability, a behavioral challenge, or a mental health condition. In any case, the “struggling one” is the recipient of a lot of the family system’s energy, and this dynamic may lead to certain challenges and strengths for that person in adulthood. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Struggling One can embark on their healing journey.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Minorities Less Likely to Be Identified for Special Education, Study Finds (EducationWeek)
‘Boys are disappearing’ from mental health care as signs of depression go undetected (NBC News)
Girls With Social and/or Attention Deficit Re-Examined in Young Adulthood: Prospective Study of Diagnostic Stability, Daily Life Functioning and Social Situation (National Library of Medicine)
The "Spoon Theory" (Christine Miserandino, www.butyoudontlooksick.com)
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity)
Today’s episode is part of a solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (a.k.a. FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!
We’re taking a look at “The Easy One” role in today’s episode. If you were the kid who could always “go with the flow” in your family, this might be you. As a child, you didn’t express a lot of needs (even though you had them, as we all do!), and that may have been a relief to the Big People in your system, because their attention was needed elsewhere. As an adult, you may identify as a people-pleaser, always attuning yourself to the people around you, wondering how you can make them comfortable or happy. You may believe you’re only worthy to the degree that you’re accommodating others. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Easy One can embark on their healing journey.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Resources about power exchange / kink:
- From Michelle Herzog’s Center for Modern Relationships: Article Part I, Article Part II
- Pleasure Mechanics: Courses
- Pleasure Mechanics: Podcast episode
- Dipsea: “How to explore light bondage play with your trusted partner” by Toni Sicola (2021)
- Pillow Talk Podcast (Vanessa + Xander Marin): How To Spice It Up In the Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners
- TIME Article: “Why I Kept My Kinks a Secret” by R.O. Kwon (2024)
- British GQ: “A dominatrix gives a beginners guide to kink” by Daisy Schofield (2024)
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Give the gift of Relational Self-Awareness! All of Dr. Alexandra's online offerings are 20% off until December 20th, 2024! They include the hallmark course "Intimate Relationships 101" and the Reimagining Love Workbook as a beautiful companion to this podcast. Visit https://dralexandrasolomon.com/giftguide2024/ to explore Relational Self-Awareness as you and your loved ones move into the new year.
Build essential relationship skills with MasterClass. Dr. Alexandra, Ryan Holiday, and other experts share how you can improve communication, resilience, and relationships with the class “Using Ancient Wisdom to Solve Modern Problems”. Learn more at http://www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon
Family of Origin Roles Series: The Perfect One (From Performance to Presence)
Today’s episode is part of a new solo series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles (aka FOO roles). Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messages about love, connection, and worthiness as a result. Check out the introductory episode of the series if you missed it last month!
Up first in Dr. Alexandra’s exploration of family roles is “The Perfect One.” If you were the superstar kid in your family, known for bringing home good grades and accolades, this might be you. As an adult, perhaps you seek validation and affirmation of your worthiness through tangible accomplishments. You may believe you’re only as good and worthy of love as your job title, latest career win, parenting flex, or fitness milestone. Does this sound like you, or someone you love? Listen to the episode to learn more about this role and how The Perfect One can embark on their healing journey.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I co-taught with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Get the FREE Family of Origin Roles Workbook: Reclaiming You
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to ‘Little You’ & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
What Role Did You Play In Your Family of Origin? (Re-release)
Today’s episode is the first of a new solo episode series on Reimagining Love about Family of Origin Roles. Tune in on the first two Tuesdays of each month to learn about how the roles we were cast into as children and held within our family systems shape how we show up in our relationships today. Whether you were the one who held the family together, the rebel who pushed back against household norms, or the “easy” kid who flew under the radar, we all inhabited a position in the community of our family and absorbed certain messaging about love, connection, and worthiness as a result.
To start off this series, we’re revisiting this in-depth solo episode, in which Dr. Alexandra explains the six common roles we might have played in our original family systems. Through understanding our past, we can see how these roles continue to show up in our relationships today and use that knowledge as a powerful Relational Self-Awareness tool. In December, we’ll begin releasing role-specific episodes for each of the six roles, starting with “The Perfect One,” so be sure to catch that conversation next month.
Visit www.masterclass.com/alexandrasolomon to check out the class I contributed to with Ryan Holiday and other experts about the wisdom of ancient philosophy and how it can help us improve communication, resilience, and relationships.
Relevant links:
Take the Family of Origin Roles Quiz
Reimagining Love: “Tending to “Little You” & Exploring Your Family of Origin”
Dr. Alexandra’s Psychotherapy Networker Article
Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.
Finding The "Self": Exploring Family Systems Therapy With Dr. Richard C. Schwartz
Have you ever felt like different parts of yourself were competing for attention and power? Maybe you have aspects of your personality that you’re proud of, and others that you’d rather keep hidden from the world—the ones that tend to rear their heads in your not-so-shining moments. According to Internal Family Systems Therapy, a framework developed by today’s guest, Dr. Richard Schwartz, we are all made up of sub-personalities or “parts.” IFS posits that by investigating and understanding where each of those parts come from and how they are dictating our current behavior, we can better understand our unique mental world and determine how to make change to support our healing and improve our relationships. Dr. Alexandra talks with Dr. Dick about how IFS has the potential to help individuals understand themselves, strengthen their romantic relationships, or even navigate the dating world. They also explore a question from a listener in Toronto who wants to feel more deeply understood in conversations with her boyfriend.
IFS is a theoretical framework that has helped many folks, but as always, Dr. Alexandra encourages you to see what resonates with you in this conversation and what might be helpful to bring into your own processes of self-discovery and healing, and to your relationships.
Relevant Links:
- IFS Institute
- Intimacy From The Inside Out
- Check out Dick's book: No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
- Check out Dick's book: You Are the One You've Been Waiting for: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
- Story on IFS from NPR’s Morning Edition
- Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every Day
- Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
- Submit a Listener Question
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.
High-Functioning Codependency: From Managing to Loving with Terri Cole
What would your reaction be if someone asked if you’re codependent? If “Certainly not!” is your immediate response, this episode invites you to look a little deeper. While we often turn to a single definition of codependency—enabling another person in a situation that is damaging or dangerous, such as addiction—Terri Cole‘s new book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, expands on this traditional and insufficient definition to include those who are “overly invested in the feelings of the people in our lives to the detriment of our own internal peace.”
Terri is a licensed psychotherapist, empowerment coach, and recovering high-functioning codependent. In therapy sessions with her highly capable patients, Terri noticed a lot of pushback when she would suggest that they might be codependent. However, when she clarified her updated definition, they immediately recognized these traits in themselves and could begin recovering from these detrimental behaviors. It is likely that you recognize these traits in yourself or someone close to you, so I hope that you will come away enlightened and empowered from Terri’s explanation of the clues that highlight these traits, the heavy cost to both the individual and their loved ones, and how we can all be of service to others without adopting problematic patterns. We also unpack a thoughtful question from a listener in Nova Scotia Canada about rebuilding a damaged relationship with her four adult children.
Relevant Links:
- Learn more about Terri Cole
- Order Terri’s book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency
- Get your copy of the HFC Workbook
- Join the Teri Cole Membership
- Order Dr. Alexandra's latest book, Love Every Day
- Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter
- Submit a Listener Question
Hey Reimagining Love Listeners! Quick note here that we’re publishing new episodes on an every other week schedule with occasional bonus episodes sprinkled throughout, at least until the end of the year. If you're craving more content in the meantime, you can always search the back catalog and/or find juicy blog posts and other resources at dralexandrasolomon.com.