Communication and Conf..., Culture, Emotional Wellness, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage Communication and Conf..., Culture, Emotional Wellness, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage

Carrying the Mental Load: How Unequal Cognitive Labor Can Affect Your Relationship with Allison Daminger

Dr. Alexandra nerds-out with Dr. Allison Daminger about the division of work in couples, particularly in an often overlooked domain: the mental space. In her research, Daminger found that even when couples approximate parity around “time use”, there are still huge gaps in what she calls “mind use” or cognitive labor… even for modern couples who believe in what she calls the Myth of Mutuality, an equal partnership where both partners evenly share the load.

You will hear about the gendered disparities in cognitive labor in the home in a gentle, blame-free way. When it comes to gender roles in family life, we tend to overestimate the effects of individual differences and underestimate the effects of bigger social forces. So if the load is feeling unequal in your partnership, Daminger wants you to move away from guilt and blame and toward strategies that move you closer to your ideals. 

In this episode, you’ll hear about:

  • What constitutes cognitive labor and why women tend to carry the lion’s share.

  • Experiences from couples in Allison’s research who successfully created shared systems for cognitive labor, and the approaches and conditions that made that possible.

  • The narratives couples use to justify how they divide labor, especially when trying to avoid recreating gendered patterns (while often recreating them anyway).

  • How to spot cognitive labor disparities in your own home and use that awareness to divide responsibilities more fairly based on skill rather than “personality” (i.e., gendered expectations).

  • The pressure that broader societal structures place on individual households, and how reframing the issue can support calls for systemic change.

  • How to start small and make meaningful shifts toward parity in cognitive labor.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

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Communication and Conf..., Culture, Dating, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage Communication and Conf..., Culture, Dating, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage

Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 2) with My Husband, Todd

Dr. Alexandra is in-studio with her husband, Todd, for this special two-part conversation about loving across potentially dealbreaking differences. Inspired by the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, Dr. Alexandra and Todd reflect on navigating a faith difference, with Dr. Alexandra ultimately converting to Judaism in preparation for their marriage. They discuss the larger question: how can a couple go about navigating ANY potentially dealbreaking difference? 

In this second part of their studio conversation, Dr. Alexandra and Todd talk about scorekeeping, with gender differences, attachment styles and general disposition/worldview in mind, best practices for the “winner” and “loser” in a change/sacrifice scenario, how to approach making sacrifices to stave off resentment…and then the REAL juicy stuff: does Todd hate that Dr. Alexandra is now a Swiftie like him? Plus, hear her hot take on shelving conversations for later.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

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Communication and Conf..., Culture, Dating, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage Communication and Conf..., Culture, Dating, Family, Intimate Relationships, Marriage

Nobody Wants This: How to Love Across Potentially Dealbreaking Differences (Part 1) with My Husband, Todd

Dr. Alexandra is in-studio with her husband, Todd, for this special two-part conversation about loving across potentially dealbreaking differences. Inspired by the Netflix show, Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, Dr. Alexandra and Todd reflect on navigating a faith difference, with Dr. Alexandra ultimately converting to Judaism in preparation for their marriage. They discuss the larger question: how can a couple go about navigating ANY potentially dealbreaking difference? 

You’ll hear their reflections on Dr. Alexandra’s decision to convert to Judaism, as they discuss the implications of being the 'sacrificing partner' versus the one being 'sacrificed for’. You will also hear how attachment differences and family of origin dynamics impacted their relationship and what they’ve learned from it all over the years. 

You’ll come away from this episode with:

  • A deeper understanding of how interfaith dynamics can enrich or challenge relationships.

  • Insights into the importance of communication in overcoming differences.

  • Practical advice on navigating family of origin roles and attachment styles to enhance relationship intimacy.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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Emotional Wellness, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se... Emotional Wellness, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se...

Why Self-Compassion is an Essential Practice with Dr. Kristin Neff

Dr. Alexandra’s conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff is all about self-compassion, an essential tool for your emotional well-being toolkit (and that’s scientifically proven!). Dr. Kristen Neff, a trailblazer in the field of self-compassion research, introduces the three foundational pillars of self-compassion, illustrating how integrating all three of these elements empowers individuals to confront their inner critic and cultivate healthier connections.   

The discussion delves into the biological and family of origin influences that shape our self-criticism, while also addressing the grief that may surface when embarking on a self-compassion journey.  You will also learn about Fierce Self-Compassion, and how we can lean into this action-oriented facet to be ambitious and to fulfill our life’s purpose.

You’ll come away from this episode with:

  • A deeper understanding of the three pillars of self-compassion and their impact on relationships. 

  • Insights into how practising self-compassion can cultivate self-love, foster connection, enhance intimacy, and reduce anxiety, shame, and isolation.

  • A new perspective on some common myths of self-compassion, such as:

  1. Are self-compassion and self-esteem the same thing? 

  2. Is “self-compassion” just “self-pity” rebranded? 

  3. Does practising self-compassion encourage people to not take personal accountability?

  4. Does embracing self-compassion mean we can’t be ambitious or want to come in first place?

  • Strategies for integrating self-compassion into your routine, with a simple starting point that Dr. Kristin Neff herself practises daily.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

 

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Emotional Wellness, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se... Emotional Wellness, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se...

For Love, In Truth: How To Live Authentically and Find Joy with Dr. Martha Beck

“The cost of that is courage, to live for love, in truth. It takes a lot of guts and the rewards are indescribable.”

Dr. Alexandra sits down with bestselling author and coach Dr. Martha Beck to explore what it means to live “for love, in truth”, a mantra that can redefine the way we experience love and relationships. In a world filled with societal pressures and expectations, Martha shares her wisdom on how embracing authenticity can unlock profound joy and lead to fulfilling connections. Martha reflects on her unconventional journey through relationships, and the life-changing lessons learned from a spiritual experience she had while under anesthesia and from being shunned by her community in her young adulthood. Together, Dr. Alexandra and Dr. Martha Beck tackle a listener's poignant question about experiencing doubt in her relationship that’s full of “emotional complexities and longing”, leading her to question if her needs are being met.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • What Martha Beck means by her mantra, “For love, in truth,” and how to recognize when you’re living out of alignment with your truth.

  • How to hold love and truth through moments of doubt and loss, and how to embrace doubt and loss as necessary aspects of growth.

  • How to come back to peace when life feels overwhelming.

  • How to balance compassion for your partner with holding your own truth, telling your own story, and tending to your personal needs. 

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

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Communication and Conf..., Emotional Wellness, Intimate Relationships, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se... Communication and Conf..., Emotional Wellness, Intimate Relationships, Relational Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Se...

What To Do When Your Partner Is Struggling (Part Two)

In this two-part series, Dr. Alexandra will be taking you through how to take care of yourself and your relationship when your partner is struggling. Perhaps your partner is struggling with a job loss, a health diagnosis, a mental health challenge, the loss of a loved one, family drama, co-parenting with an ex, or something else entirely. Whatever it is, the theme is that there is some scenario that is taking up more of your partner’s bandwidth than usual, leaving less bandwidth for you and your relationship.

In this second part, Dr. Alexandra is going to take you through five internal strategies to cope with the situation at hand – strategies that are about how you can tend to and take care of yourself. Then she will take you through nine relational strategies – strategies that will help you and your partner maintain or restore your relationship even as your partner struggles. 

You’ll come away with this conversation with:

  • A toolkit of five internal strategies to support your own emotional health while caring for your partner.

  • Nine actionable relational strategies to enhance communication and understanding in your relationship.

  • Insights on the significance of self-care for the non-struggling partner and how it contributes to relationship health.

  • Food-for-thought on resentment, grieving, high-functioning co-dependency, celebrating small victories, and rebuilding after a dark period (and so much more!)

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

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