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A Lifetime of Love: Talking with Kids and Teens about Dating, Porn, and Sex

Does anything strike fear into the heart of a parent more than figuring out when and how to talk with your kids about dating, love, and sex? As if those topics were not challenging enough, thanks to 24/7 free streaming internet porn, today's parents have to also talk with kids and teens about porn! …

Open Letter to Aziz Ansari

Dear Aziz, You don’t know me, but I’ve been a fan of your work for a while now. As a couples therapist and sex and relationship educator, I’ve taught your book and used your stand up clips in my classroom for years. I’ve long had the sense that you’re a seeker-- curious as I am about the …

The Meaningful Conversation Most Couples are NOT Having

Just because we don't talk about something, it doesn’t mean it’s not there. In my work as a couple therapist, and as a professor who trains people to do couple therapy, I have found a relationship dynamic that often gets overlooked. We do not talk nearly enough about the impact of power on our …

2 weeks ago by dr.alexandra.solomon There’s pain. And then there’s suffering. Pain is one of life’s inevitabilities. Things happen that we wish wouldn’t happen. Stuff hurts. We hurt. But all too often when we are hurting, we do this thing that I really wish we wouldn’t do. We add a layer to our experience of pain which is a story about our pain. And that story about our pain tends to be a profoundly unhelpful one. Common examples of these unhelpful stories: * other people have it worse * I shouldn’t feel this way * I’m not OK That third one is a real mind
2 weeks ago by dr.alexandra.solomon I always ask a new therapy client, “Why now? Why are you reaching out for therapy now?” * Sometimes we pick up the phone and call for therapy because the crisis is just too big to process alone~~ a breakup, a death, a job loss. * Sometimes it’s because someone we love and respect says, “I think you need help.” * Sometimes it’s because we are tired of our own bs. We witness ourselves repeating, yet again, a familiar pattern, and we sigh, “no more.” Therapy is the study of patterns. You and your therapist look together at the story
4 weeks ago by dr.alexandra.solomon It’s impossible to control someone and love them at the same time. Breathe that truth right in. Here’s the thing: the need to control a partner is in fact a desperate attempt to hide from your own pain. It’s a relational move done in the service of masking something much deeper... usually the terror of loss. *** Note: this in no way, shape or form JUSTIFIES controlling behavior. It CONTEXTUALIZES it. So that it can be named, understood, and changed. *** The truth that hides out under controlling behavior is this: “I control you because I’m afraid to lose you.”
1 week ago by dr.alexandra.solomon Is there anything more badass than witnessing someone GIVE what they were never given? I think it’s entirely too easy for us to miss the ways in which our existence is a tribute to the power of resilience. * I am thinking about the man who shows up day after day for his kids even though his own father was nowhere to be found. * I am thinking about the woman who parents with gentleness even though she was raised by a mother who knew only judgment. * I am thinking of the intimate partner who loves with integrity even
6 days ago by dr.alexandra.solomon Ooh Byron Katie is dropping some big truth here. Are we brave enough to lean into it? Yes. We. Are. —- Here’s the deal. An intimate relationship is the most powerful classroom you’ll ever be in. Love will grow your ass in ways you never ever knew possible. —— The underbelly is that an intimate relationship is ALSO a Petri dish of projection. Whatever part of ME I cannot reckon with, I hella fast project it onto you and then judge you for being “that way.” Well, sometimes the judging looks like advice-giving, so I’m trying to fix a part